My Biggest Distractions

Thank goodness for my three boys who keep me going and give me a reason to get out of bed every day. Without them I can't even imagine how much harder things would be right now.  It's crazy that at the same time they are also my biggest challenge right now.  They exhaust me emotionally and physically, but I'm also grateful that they give me a distraction from my own grief a lot of the time.  We are all learning to deal with our grief in different ways.

Kobe is so cute, but so full on at the same time.  He literally tells me about about twenty times a day 'I'm really missing Daddy and Noah'.   He is so sad and so angry a lot of the time.  The placid, easy going Kobe is long gone and things that would be a little thing before, now make him turn into a screaming, tantrum throwing four year old.  After five minutes or so of kicking, yelling and throwing things he always calms down and always says sorry and then tells me he's missing Daddy and Noah.  He often yells at me 'I'm not talking to you ever again!' and makes me wonder what he's going to be like when he's a teenager!

One day while he was in the middle of one of his tantrums I asked him if he felt angry and he said he did.  He then started crying and said he was angry with Daddy.  It's so crazy to think that a four year old is actually able to articulate why he is angry (or who he is angry with).  I'm finding he is needing a lot of extra attention, cuddles and likes for me to let him know, that I know that he misses Daddy and Noah.

We talk a lot about how it's okay to be angry and it's okay to miss Daddy and Noah because he loves them a lot and that they would be missing him too, but it's not okay to be naughty.  He always feels really sorry for his behaviour, but he just finds it really hard to control his emotions.

I'm so glad that he actually talks about it and lets me know how he feels.  At night when I put him to bed he often says 'I just miss Daddy and Noah so much' and then asks me to sing him a song to help him go to sleep. I will sing him a song and he then looks at me and says 'I'm still missing them'.  If only it was easy as singing a song, to make him feel better.

It seems like there are two Kobes at the moment - the placid, fun, well behaved Kobe or the Kobe who is out of control. There is nothing in between.  Kobe also knows it and sometimes I will say to him 'I'm so happy that you are being such a good boy today' and he will say 'the happy Kobe is back!'.  On the days that he feels happier he is definitely in control of his emotions better.

I don't necessarily want him to not feel sad or angry - I know he needs to go through feeling those emotions before he starts to feel better. I just hope that I can help him to know what to do with those emotions, instead of being so agro and out of control.

Hopefully as time goes on the 'happy Kobe' will be around more and more.

Harri has probably been the easiest to deal with. I'm not sure if it's an age thing or a Harri thing.  He has been really good at talking about how he feels and you always know what mood he is in. If he's having a particularly sad day he will just go quiet and you will find him sitting quietly in the corner sucking his thumb, with Nono under his arm and his blanket wrapped around him.  He has been so good at sleeping in his own bed since moving to the new house.

He has asked a couple of nights if he could sleep in my room again or has been upset in the night, but if I lay in bed with him till he goes back to sleep he is fine and wakes up in the morning so proud of himself that he has slept another night by himself, in his own room.

He is a bit like Kobe where he's a bit more agro than usual, but he is more in control of what he does, than Kobe is.

Jay has also admitted to me that he is angry with Dad, but then says that he also knows that it's stupid to be angry with him, because it's not his fault. For Jay his grief is more physical as he feels physically sick because of it, but he is learning how to deal with it more as time goes on, and I'm really proud of him because I know how hard it has been for him.
I am so glad that all three boys talk to me about how they are feeling.  It's hard to hear and see what they are going through, but I'd much rather that they talk to me about it and go through the grief now, than have to deal with it later on.

It's emotionally and physically draining having to help them deal with their grief all the time. One day one of them may be great, but the next they aren't.   I just feel like there is never a day when everyone is feeling 'okay'.

Because the boys are going through so much themselves, I still feel like my own grief has been put on the back burner.   At times I get really frustrated about it and wonder 'when is it my turn!?' and other times I'm so glad that I have the boys to keep me busy and distracted from my own grief, enough to cope with it just a little bit at a time.