The Only Thing We Can Do

It's so hard knowing I can't do anything for Noah and Aaron anymore. It's strange to feel so busy because I'm now a single Mum to three busy boys, but wishing that I could do more for my other boys as well who aren't with us.

When Aaron first passed away all I wanted to do was be home as it made me feel closer to him and Noah. I didn't want to leave home and although we often went to both their graves, it wasn't really a place that I felt like I wanted to go to be close to them.

Now I want to be anywhere but home and enjoy spending time at their graves.  I don't feel particularly close to them there, but I like being able to do something for them - even if it is just tending to their graves.  The children's section is particularly nice and one day after work I had a couple of hours to myself, and it was a beautiful day so I drove to the cemetery, put a picnic blanket down right near Noah's grave and enjoyed the sun.  It was lucky I set my alarm on my phone - just in case - because before I knew it, it was going off and it woke me up to tell me it was time to pick up Kobe from daycare, and the boys from school.   I'm sure Noah was laughing at his silly Mum who was sleeping near his grave, and the cemetery workers all probably thought I had lost the plot.

Because Aaron's grave still isn't in a grassed area, it gets so dusty and dirty all the time.  Our car is full of things to keep his grave as clean as we can, but even if we go back and clean it every few days, whenever we go back it's dusty and dirty again.

We were happy to see that they were finally putting some grass down opposite Aaron's grave about a month ago.  Some of the cemetery workers were near his grave one day, so I asked them when Aaron's section would be done, and they said it wouldn't be till next Autumn. Only 6 more months to wait and we won't have to worry about the dirt so much. 

While I was there that day I noticed that Noah's grave was continuing to sink, even though it had already been grassed a while ago.  A few days later when I went back I saw that they had again topped it up with soil and resown grass seeds.

Kobe loves that we have to start watering his grave again, because he loved doing it last time. 

When the boys and I went up there today we were happy that all the recent sun and rain had made the grass grow back so much already (I'm loving my new phone which can take panoramic shots!  You can click on the photo to see a bigger version of it).

We have also been replacing the potted flowers on top of Aaron's grave regularly. We keep making the mistake of buying flowers that the wallabys love to eat, and they only last a day or two, and we come back and the tops are taken off them.  The last ones that we bought have lasted a week or so now, and hopefully the wallabys will continue to stay away from them.

Our garden at home is looking so beautiful now and the first roses for the season are starting to bloom.  Today we took the first two up to the cemetery for Aaron and Noah.

While we were there I got talking to an older man who I see quite often, tending to his wife's grave.  He once told  me how sorry he was when he realised what had happened, and told me he would water Aaron's plants if they looked dry as he went up there every day to tend to his wife's grave.  Today I said to him that it was nice to see his wife's grave was now grassed and he said that it was and wasn't.  I totally understood what he meant, because as much as it looks ugly with the mounds of dirt on top of the graves, it's nice to decorate it and tend to it often to make it as nice as possible.  Once Aaron's has grass it will look much nicer, but I will also feel sad that I can't take him fresh potted flowers regularly, or pull out the weeds from on top of his grave.  It just makes you feel like you are able to do something for them.

It does look much nicer with the grass on the other side though. It's still so strange to stand at Aaron's grave, and look through to the children's section and see Noah's grave at the same time.  Oh how I wish I didn't have to go up there at all.