What am I going to do without Football and Daddy?

It's been a stressful week in our house because we knew that the Hawks were a good chance of getting in the grand final.  Aaron would've been so excited this season.  It's been a huge year with his boys from school winning the state premiership, and then Hawthorn finishing top of the ladder.

Last Saturday was the preliminary final with the Hawks playing the Crows.   While we were in Sydney with my brother Chrish, Kobe discovered his Crows beanie and put it on and kept saying 'go Crows!'.   We at first thought he was joking but he kept it up all week and after we got home he still kept saying 'Go Crows!'.  Even last week during the game he was going for the Crows and was disappointed when they lost and wasn't at all excited that Hawthorn made it to the grand final. 

All week we kept telling him that Daddy would be sad if he didn't go for the Hawks, but I could see on his face he was being cheeky and loving the attention that it was bringing.  At Aaron's funeral I spoke about how Jalen once thought he may switch teams and Aaron told him that Easter Bunny and Santa Claus didn't come to little boys who didn't go for the Hawks.  Needless to say the boys have been totally brain washed since birth :)

Kobe still didn't seem to care, but loved that we were all getting stressed about it, but then yesterday morning when Harri was putting on his footy colours for footy colours day at school, Kobe decided he wanted to wear his footy colours too.  It wasn't footy colours day at my school as they had it last term, but I decided I was wearing my footy colours anyway.  The kids at school were so cute and kept laughing and smiling at me all day with my brown and gold stripes.

 

The last time Hawthorn were in the grand final was a very stressful day.   Aaron was stressed because he so desperately wanted them to win, and I was stressed because I knew Aaron would be stressed.  Aaron loved the Hawks so much and there was no way you could say to him 'it's just a game' or 'next year' because to him it was everything. 

Usually I don't really care about the footy that much, but since Aaron passed away I have been into it more than ever.  It's like I have taken over Aaron's roll for the boys.  This morning I put on one of (the many!) Aaron's Hawks geurnseys and my two necklaces that I wear on one chain, to feel like I have Aaron and Noah close to me.

Grand final day was one of Aaron's favourite days of the year and we always had the same traditions.   Aaron would usually get up early and go and grab all the newspapers and footy record, and he would then just be glued to the TV all morning until the game started.  Aaron's Dad always came around to watch it with us and the boys loved that we would have a 'footy party' with all the usual footy food.

Last year however was not our usual grand final day.  It was actually the last day that Noah was ever home.  He woke up very sick that morning and by the time the game had started I was on the way to the hospital with him.  Just a few hours later he was put on a ventilator as he had gone into respiratory distress and was flown to the NPICU in Hobart.  He never came home and passed away a week later.

Aaron said when Noah passed away that grand final day would 'never be the same again' as he felt that he would always remember that it was Noah's last day at home.  It definitely will never be the same ever again.

I didn't want to be at home today to watch the game as I knew I would just be thinking about last year,  so we decided to go out to my Mum and Dad's. 

Kobe told us this morning 'I'm going for the Hawks again!' and was so excited to watch the game. Harri was also excited, but Jay really isn't into the footy that much and told me he'd probably watch five minutes, and took out the laptop to play on while the game was going.

My brother Jared and Becky and the kids were also at Mum and Dad's but they aren't really into the footy.  Becky hung around for a little while and then took for to visit a friend instead.

Poor Eamon was a bit stressed with all our noise and kept blocking his ears.

When the game started I got a few text messages saying 'go Hawks' and had been getting messages from people all week telling me they were going for the Hawks for Aaron.  It was so nice to hear so many people say 'I don't usually go for the Hawks, but I hope they win for Aaron and your boys'.  Aaron hated people who jump on the bandwagon of any team when they are going well, but I have no doubt that he would've been so happy that so many people were going for the Hawks in the grand final, as he would know how much it would mean to us if they won.  

You can't watch the grand final without having a hot pie :)

It was an intense game with it being so close.  Harri recorded all the statistics in his footy record and after every goal or point he kept yelling 'who was that!?' to make sure he recorded the right player.

Kobe was actually really into the game and was cracking us up as he was screaming at the TV.  He and Harri reminded me so much of Aaron.  I have to admit that I did my fair share of screaming too.  Aaron would've been proud! Kobe was a little bit excited about the ginger beer too :)

Jay kept himself occupied on the laptop and had no interest at all in the game. I asked him why he wore his Hawks top and he said 'for Dad, and so I don't feel left out'.

When the last quarter started Harri announced 'it's anyone's game!' which it definitely was. We were all so nervous and Jay shocked us by jumping up in the last five minutes and started screaming along with us!  Excuse the poor quality of the video - it's just off the iPhone.  Ignore my yelling at Harri to sit down too - you get to hear the real me :)

Unfortunately the dream year wasn't to be and they lost by 10 points.  As soon as the siren went Kobe burst into tears! He shocked me so much as I really didn't think he was that into it, but he was devastated.

Harri was also very upset and just sat quietly for a while.  Jay went over to comfort him and he just sat there and was so sad.  He then started crying and I went over to talk to him and he said 'what am I going to do without football?  What I am going to do without Daddy?'.

I think that the footy season has been his connection with Aaron still.  Last week during the preliminary final he started crying and I said to him that it was just a game and it wasn't worth getting upset over and he said 'I'm not sad about the footy, I'm sad that Daddy isn't here to watch it with me'.  Lately at the cemetery he has been crying a lot saying how much he wishes Daddy was here to watch the footy with him.  It's definitely not the same watching footy with me, but it was his way of feeling close to Aaron still and now the season is over, I think he feels like he's losing Aaron a little bit more.

We were all sad that the Hawks lost but it was still a great game to watch, and we hope that they play as well next year and are back in it again.

When we got home we were surprised with a lovely present on the front door step.  Thank you to whoever dropped it off.  We didn't get to use it for the footy today, but I'm sure will be having the treats very soon :)