6 weeks/5 months

This morning I woke up and didn't realise what the day was for about an hour. It then hit me that it is Thursday the 8th -  5 months since Noah passed away and 6 weeks since Aaron passed away.  

Dates and days don't usually worry me. I don't get more upset than any other day just because it's another week since Aaron passed away, or another month since Noah passed, but because the day and the date was significant, it was on my mind all day.

Often people say that it's harder around the six week mark, because around then it seems like people have moved on, but own your grief is getting harder and harder.  This was definitely the case after Noah passed away, but it's a lot different this time.

This time it's so different.  My grief for Aaron is so mixed in with my grief for Noah, as it was still so fresh when Aaron passed.  I can't get my head around grieving separately for the both of them.  My thoughts are consumed all day, every day of Aaron and the grief I was feeling for Noah seems to have just gone for a while, because it's just too much to deal to get my head and heart around.

The fog that I felt after Noah had passed away, isn't the same after Aaron passing.   In some ways it's better, but then it doesn't make sense to me, because I feel like it should be doubled.  Maybe it will be in the days, months and years to come, but for right now I feel like having Noah pass away first, has helped me deal with Aaron passing away.

It's never easy. I'm feeling strong, but I'm exhausted. I'm okay, but so, so sad. 

I try to just get through a day at a time, but I can't help but think about the future and how I'm going to live without Noah AND Aaron. 

Living without Noah was one thing. I could see how he needed to go.   But living without Aaron - I can't even get my head around it. 

It's hard to understand why he had to go right now.

It's hard to understand why he had to go at all. 

Today I was grateful to have the whole day to myself.  This morning I went out to Aaron's garden that he planted for Noah and smiled when I saw how beautiful the roses are looking.

I picked a few of them to take up to the cemetery,  and was disappointed that Aaron's grave still didn't have a vase put in, so I just put one on top of his grave with a little Hawks flag that was floating around at home.  

It's still strange know that this is actually the place where Aaron's body is. 

I like sitting at Noah's gave more than at Aaron's, but I am so torn when I'm at each one as I want to be with the both of them.  I usually go to Aaron's first, then to Noah's and back to Aaron's before I leave.

I left the roses from Noah's garden at Noah's grave and then before I left the cemetery, I went and ordered his headstone.  It's going to take a couple of months to come, and I'm looking forward to finally getting it and both plaques made (as much as you can look forward to getting something like that).

I would've never imagined six months ago that this is what my life would be like - ordering headstones and visiting graves.