Prepared but not ready

I thought that the day that Noah passed away was going to be one of the hardest days of my life ever, but nothing can compare to the last week.  My thoughts of Noah are now just happy ones of him being free and having ten wonderful years with him.  The feelings of grief and sadness are now taken over by thoughts of Aaron on my mind all day and night.    Considering what has happened I am 'okay'.  I'm eating, sleeping, playing with the boys, getting out, talking and even laughing a lot of the time, but there is a sadness and emptiness that is constantly there, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to shake it.

The four days before Aaron's funeral are a blur of feeling shocked, numb, physically sick, exhausted and overwhelmed with what was going on.  Despite all of these feelings, I also felt a strange sense of peace and that is what helped get me through the day of his funeral and the days since he passed away.

Preparing for Noah's funeral was really hard, even with Aaron by my side. Preparing for Aaron's funeral was physically exhausting as it meant three very late nights as I sorted through photos, helped Jalen make video clips and finally the night before sat down to write his eulogy, which I knew I had to give myself so that people knew the real Aaron.  By Tuesday morning I was prepared for it, but never ready to go and do it all over again.

There is so much I want to write about his funeral so that I don't forget it, so I'm going to break it up into separate posts like I did with Noah's funeral.   Some of these photos are hard for me to even look at myself as it brings up so many emotions from the day of Aaron's funeral, but this is our family record. This is where I record our memories - the good and the hard.  This is my therapy as I write about things, as I have for the past five years.  

Thank you to my amazing friends Chelsea, Fiona, Donna and Alison for taking photos for me.  I know they will be healing for me in the days, months and years to come.

I'm forever blown away by the strength of my boys.  To know that they just lost their brother and were going to their Dad's funeral broke my heart. I wished I could take their pain away, but they were so strong for me.  Harri decided the night before that he really wanted a job to help Daddy, so he took on the job of handing out the funeral programs.  It broke my heart and also made me smile at the same time to see him doing it. For him to see the photo of his Dad on the front must've been so hard, but he stood there with a smile as he handed it out to the hundreds of strangers who also loved his Dad.

If it wasn't for Kobe I know how much harder each and every day would be right now.  He is just what we needed to bring a smile to our faces and lighten the mood.

When Noah passed away Jalen was the strong one. He knew it was Noah's time to go and has been so strong for the past three and a half months.  But knowing that he no longer has time with his Dad on earth has broken his heart.


I just wish so much I could take away the pain from the boys and deal with it all myself, but I can't.


As much as I have family, friends and strangers from all around the world supporting and helping me right now, I just feel so alone.  Aaron was always the one by my side helping me through hard times.

It's hard seeing his family and the rest of my family so sad as I know how much they are going to miss him so much too. I know that he would've loved seeing all of the pall bearers including his Dad, my brothers and his two brother in laws Alex and Ashley in his ties on Tuesday, especially the Hawthorn ones.

As hard as the day was I was grateful for the little reminders from not only Kobe but also my gorgeous nephew Lachie who reminded me that 'Uncle Aaron is in Heaven'.   Yes he is Lachie and I have no doubt how happy he is right now to be with Noah. I just wish they were both still here with all of us instead.