I'm never going to stop missing Daddy

At the end of last year things were pretty settled for all of us.  The boys were all happy at school and dealing with their grief really well.  School holidays changed things a lot, and even a few weeks into school, Harri and Kobe are still really struggling a lot with their grief.   Bed time is really hard and there are lots of tears,  and both boys want to sleep in my room.

Harri has been feeling so anxious lately and last night he came out of bed crying, saying that he doesn't want anyone else to die in our family, and if I died then he would be really, really sad and would have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa (don't take it personally Mum and Dad :).

I literally hear from Kobe 'I miss Daddy so much' about twenty times a day.  We always have a cuddle and a talk about it, and he goes off and comes back about half an hour later saying 'I'm still really missing Daddy! When am I ever going to stop missing Daddy and Noah?'.  

Because Kobe has been so sad lately, he keeps coming to me saying 'I'm never, ever going to stop missing Daddy and Noah' and just seems so down that he's not feeling any better.  The other night when I put him to bed he cried and said 'I miss Daddy so much, but I can't really remember what he sounds like'.  Some nights he is just so sad that I just let him sleep in bed with me.

One day he came home from school saying how much he was missing Daddy.  The next day he came home and told me he wasn't missing Daddy that day, but he kept seeing Noah's garden at school and it made him think of him, and now he was missing Noah. 

Harri has been so sad, and coming out of bed every night crying.  Just after Noah passed away he started sleep walking a lot.  As things settled down the sleep walking stopped, but he has started sleep walking again.  He comes into my room and says weird things, and I tell him to get into bed with me and the next morning he wakes up and can't remember how he got there. 

He has become quite anxious about things that never bothered him before, and doesn't want to get out of the car at the cemetery.
The boys have been hanging out for 'Rainbows' to start up again at school, as it helped them both so much last year.  Rainbows started again today and last night Harri asked me if it was okay to cry when he was at Rainbows, because last year he felt like crying sometimes but he was trying to be brave.  I told him that crying was a good thing and that he could cry if he felt like it and that the lady who ran Rainbows wouldn't mind at all.

I reminded Kobe yesterday that Rainbows was starting and he said 'oh great! I can't wait for Rainbows because it will make me stop missing Daddy'.  I asked him how it stops him missing Daddy and he said 'because we talk about that our Dads have died'.    After school today he was so disappointed that he went to Rainbows, but was still feeling sad. 

I reminded him that he was going to miss Daddy all the time, but he wouldn't always feel so sad and hopefully he will start to feel happier again soon.

Valentine's Gifts

Aaron and I never really made a fuss about Valentine's Day, but some years Aaron would come home with a bunch of flowers on Valentine's Day, and then I would feel terrible that I didn't get him anything.  He also proposed to me on Valentine's Day, so I guess he was romantic at times :)  The last two Valentine's Days had been really hard, but this year it was a lot easier. I wasn't dreading it like I had the last two years..

It was lovely though to get home to a beautiful bunch of flowers on my doorstep from two beautiful friends - Naomi from Seven Cherubs and Naomi.  They are sister in laws so they both have the same surname - how cool is that!  They are so kind and thoughtful, and it was so nice to know that they were thinking of me. The flowers are gorgeous.

When I got home from work there was a box of chocolates left at the door for me.  I have no idea who they're from, but joked with the boys that they were probably from Hodgey, or a secret admirer ;)

It was a beautiful surprise and they didn't last long with the boys sharing them with me.   Kobe thought they may be from my friend Simone, but I'd rather believe they really are from Hodgey ;)  Thank you to whoever dropped them off.

Hanging onto summer

We are obviously busy at school and work as it's almost been a week since I've blogged.  I'm absolutely loving my new job as an EAL teacher and I love the kids I'm working with.  I'm feeling so busy as I'm trying to get things organised at work and spending a lot of extra time on doing things for school, but it's a 'good' busy because I'm enjoying it so much and it's keeping my mind on something.  It's so nice to have a job that I love again, and it makes things a lot easier to cope with.

The boys have settled into school well, but I'm surprised that they are all really struggling right now with their grief. I thought that once school started things would settle down, but they actually seem to be worse. They are all happy at school, but I think the changes with new teachers and classes has caused them all a bit of stress.  There are lots of tears at the moment and I have gone back to sharing my bed some nights.

All the boys were really sad and tired at the end of our first week back at school, so I decided that we were going to go and have some fun so we went swimming, had Maccas for tea and were excited to go to Cold Rock, as it was their opening day in Launceston.  They thought it was the best night ever.

 

We are still having warm days, but the nights are getting cooler and I can feel summer slipping away.  Even though we are all exhausted after work and school, I don't want to waste the beautiful weather, so we have been going for lots of swims after school and on the weekend. 

All the swimming has made Kobe so confident in the water and he's swimming so well.  He is so proud of himself and keeps saying that he taught himself to swim and tells me that I didn't help him at all :)

On the weekend we had fun swimming at a local river with Alison and my Aunty Deidre and Uncle Kim and their grandsons.  It reminded us so much of my Pop's river where we spent so much time growing up.

 

We will hopefully have a lot more hot days before the warm weather really slips away, as we are all finding swimming so therapeutic.  I'm not at all ready for summer to end just yet.

Back to School

It's been a very busy week with all of us going back to school.  I started back on Monday, Harri and Kobe started yesterday, and Jalen started back today.  The boys had two days at home on their own, while I was at work.  I had been talking a lot to them about how things are going to get busy again once I start working, and how they need to remember to help me more around the house, as I can't do everything on my own.

I was shocked to get home after my first day back at work to an absolutely spotless house (definitely not the way I left it in the morning) and this note and chocolate on my bed! I couldn't believe that the boys had done all the house work and they were so proud of themselves and happy to show me what they had done.  The next day I noticed Jay getting the clothes off the line without me asking him.  My boys are far from perfect (some days I want to strangle them!) but it meant so much to me to know that they realised how much it would mean to me if they helped out around the house more.  I doubt it'll last all year, but at least it's a good start. 

Kobe is so excited to be going to school full time.  I know that if I wasn't working I would probably feel really sad, because we love having days at home together, but I'm happy for both of us since I have work to keep me busy.  I have been stirring him for weeks asking what I'm going to do without him and he looks at me like I'm crazy and says 'you'll see me at work Mum!!'.  I then ask him what I'm going to do without him to have sushi dates with, and he says 'we can go on Saturday' :) 

We have had lovely long sleep ins all summer holidays, so I knew we would be struggling to get back into the school routine again, but Kobe was up nice and early and was dressed before everyone. He couldn't wait to get to school.  Apparently his bottom lip started quivering just as class started, and he was ready to have a bit of a cry, but once class got started he settled and was happy and has been ever since.    He is in a Prep/1 class.

Harri was also very excited about starting school.  He is in grade 4 this year and is so excited about his new teacher.   He loves school so much and loves to do his best, so I know he will have a great year.  He has been very teary the last few weeks, and especially the last couple of days.  He is missing Aaron and Noah a lot. I think he is the same as me as he just wants to come home and tell Aaron about his day.  It's all those little things that you miss the most.

It was so nice to be able to walk the boys to school and drop them off in their classes, and then start work.  I couldn't wait for the students to start at school.  I was so excited to see the kids I am teaching English to, and they have surprised me with how much English they have remembered and learnt over the summer holidays.

They are the most beautiful kids, and are just so happy.   They are all still very quiet and are not confident in initiating conversations, but amaze me with how much they have learnt in just six months.  It's fun as we try to communicate with each other and learn from each other.  I often ask them what the word for something is in Farsi, and they laugh and love telling me what it is.    I am so happy to be teaching them and think I have the best job ever.

I'm also working on Fridays back at Noah's old (special) school Newstead Heights .  It will be strange but great to go back and work there as a teacher, rather than a Teacher Aide.  I'm excited to see the kids regularly again.   I feel very lucky to be able to work at two schools, and to be working with such special kids at both schools.   I hate not being able to come home to tell Aaron about my day. There's just so much I want to talk to him about, and I know he would understand my excitement, because he loved teaching so much.  I hope he's watching and is happy that I'm teaching again.

On the first day I was out in the playground and saw Harri and Kobe finding each other to play with.  I'm not sure how long it'll last, but Kobe is so excited to tell me that he has played with Harri and his friends both days.   Kobe is so excited that he's allowed to go and play anywhere he wants in the big playground! It's such a change from the little yard in Kinder.  Today Kobe told me he had the 'worst day ever' as he couldn't find his friends to play with, and he finally found Harri and then the bell went. 

Jay isn't quite as excited as his brothers about going back to school, but he wasn't dreading it either.  Grade 7 was hard for him in many ways, but last year things started to settle down a lot and he actually started to enjoy school in the end.  It's nice to see him happy to go to school, and to hear him say that he wants to try to do well.  He has also started 'seminary' this year, which is a scripture study class which is held every morning at church before school and is for students from grades 9-12.  He has only been a couple of days, but thinks he is going to enjoy it, and it's nice to see his friends from church each morning.  They all go to different schools around town, so it's nice they can see each other every day, and not just on Sunday.

After seeing a cute video on Rachel's blog here, I thought it was a lovely idea to do at the beginning of the school year each year, to see how the boys have changed.  This was my interview with the boys about how they were all feeling about starting school.  I hope it's going to be a great year at school for all of us.

Survived Summer Holidays

Our six weeks of summer holidays have just about come to an end.  When school finished last year I was ready for a break from work, but was really dreading the holidays as the days are always so long when we are out of a routine, because Aaron and Noah aren't here.

I love my boys, but being a single Mum is the hardest job ever.  It's especially hard during school holidays.  When we are together day and night for weeks on end, time can go very slowly.   Being a single Mum reminds me of the days when you have newborns and toddlers at home, and you feel like you're going a little bit crazy being at home all day long, and you can't wait for your husband to walk in the door, so you have an adult to talk to and they can give you a break.  It's just that now there is no respite.  You just have to deal with it the best that you can, and that often means just trying not to shut off too much as I listen to talk about Pokemon, computer games and football all day long, and keeping as busy as I can. 

The first two weeks or so or holidays were really hard.  I was grateful for some sleep ins, but I just didn't know how we were going to cope with six long weeks to fill in.   The boys are actually quite happy to sit at home all day, and are very good at entertaining themselves with playing on the computer and Wii.  Some days were spent like that, but I hate that they would choose that all day long, especially when the weather is beautiful and knew they couldn't do that all summer.

I started to feel quite down as I knew I should've been making the most of the holidays, but just wished that they would hurry up.   Because I had finished my contract at work and wasn't sure if I would have another contract for the new school year, money was tight so we couldn't do anything too exciting, but I told that boys that we needed to just jump in the car every day and go and do something, even if it was finding a new place to go for a walk or a swim, or discovering a new place we hadn't been before.

We went to play mini golf at Grindelwald, and the whole time the boys couldn't stop talking about the last time they were there with Aaron and my brother Chrish.   It was nice to hear all their stories about Aaron, and I was surprised that Kobe could even remember a lot from that day, even though it was almost two years ago to the day.

It was good to get away and stay at my Mum and Dad's new house for a week, and that week definitely went the fastest.

We went back to Mum and Dad's last week and decided to go out at night to see if we could see the penguins coming in.  We did spot a few penguins, and also spotted just as many wallabies but got bitten by a million mozzies (mosquitoes).  It's funny to read comments on Instagram how people overseas aren't sure what 'mozzies' are, and reminds me that we have a bit of a language of our own in Australia.

By the third week I started to love school holidays.   All the boys slept in past nine every morning and even Milly learned to not wake up so early, and would sleep in until the first boy woke up.   She has loved having us home all day, every day, and won't know what's hit her when school goes back.  We loved finding new places to take her.  Having a dog definitely made the holidays a lot more fun.

 

 

 

 

  These two seriously talked about Pokemon the whole walk on this day!

 

We loved having my sister Nicki and her family, come and stay with us when they were home from  Melbourne, for Christmas.

It was so hot when they were here, so we had lost of fun with the water slide in the backyard.

While the Watsons were here, we went to try out the new tube park we had heard lots about.  It was so much fun, and the boys keep asking to go back. The first time Kobe went down he freaked out. I think he held his breath the whole 100 m down, and at the end I cracked up laughing and said 'Kobe was freaking!' and he yelled 'no I wasn't!' and then tried to act tough every time he went down. This was his third time down, so he was being a lot braver than the first couple of turns.  He cracks me up when I asked him if he was scared and he says 'no, not at all' and then when the guy asks if he is ready he says 'no' and yells 'I said NO!' as he's being pushed down the slide :)

 

Some friends of ours - Kelvin and Annette got hold of an old Hawthorn banner that their friend had on his business.  We have been using it as a water slide and the boys have been having so much fun on it.   Thanks Nettie and Kelv for the coolest water slide ever.   It's nice to slide into Hodgey all the time ;) 

 

 

 

Jay spent a couple of nights on a church Young Mens camp. He was feeling quite anxious about going as we really haven't been apart very much since Aaron passed away, but he had the best time and when I picked him up he wouldn't stop talking and loved telling me about all the things they got up to.

We have loved spending some time with the missionaries from church.  It was Sister Hadfield's birthday earlier in the month, so we had fun creating an Aussie/American birthday lunch for her as she is from Utah.  I found out her favourite drink is Dr Pepper and searched every where for it (it's not a drink we have here except in specialty shops or in the international food section at the supermarket) and she was so excited about it. 

They are from the USA and South Africa, and are here as volunteers, so they don't have a lot of time to go sightseeing as they only have one day 'off' a week.  We were shocked to hear that they hadn't been to the Gorge before, so we had fun taking them there on one of their days off.

The boys had never been on the chairlift before, so Jay and Harri begged to go on it and loved it. I thought Harri may have freaked out, but he kept asking if he could go again. 

A couple of weeks ago I got the call I had been hoping for all summer.  It was an offer of a contract to teach part time at the boy's school again.  The most exciting thing is that the job is my dream job right now - teaching English as an Additional Language to some beautiful Iranian children who are refugees from Afghanistan.    At the end of last year I was asked what job I would prefer to do if there was a chance of being offered a contract, and that is the position I put down as my first preference.  I am so excited about it as I think it's going to be such a rewarding job, and I feel so blessed to be teaching at my boy's school again.

I will have a lot to learn, but I can't wait for it.  It will be so exciting to be a part of helping them learn English. I know that they will mostly learn from being around the children in their classes, but I'm excited to see them develop.  

I saw this on the internet a few days ago and had to laugh because English really is a crazy language at times.

After finding out that I have a contract to teach, I have also been offered some relief work which also starts next week. It 's probably more work than I really want, but with Kobe starting school full time (!!) and relief teaching money being so good, it's hard to pass it up.  I feel so blessed that I have gone from wondering if I will have any work, to having more than enough work.  Someone is definitely looking out for me.  I guess Kobe's back up plan of me working at Maccas doesn't have to happen now.

I start back at work tomorrow and the boys start later in the week, so last night we decided to go out to mourn and also celebrate the end of school holidays, and to celebrate my new job.  During tea I couldn't help but think about how close we have become over the past two years.  

After a tough couple of weeks in the beginning, summer holidays ended up being lots of fun.  Each holiday does get a little easier as we learn to adjust to life as just the four of us. I don't think I will dread the next holidays quite as much.