Time to Update

Proof that my boys can take decent photos, and not just crazy ones :)

Okay, well maybe Jalen and Harri can -  Kobe just likes to be crazy most of the time.

My boys are all very similar, but also different in many ways.  Harri, Noah and Kobe were lucky and got Aaron's skin - they see five minutes of sun and they get a tan.   Poor Jay has my pale skin and always looks so white during winter.

I still don't really see Noah in any of them.  I can see similarities, but I don't look at any of my boys and think that they look like Noah. 

This is the reason why I dragged my boys out to take some new photos.  I wanted to update the photos on the wall, and all the other nice ones I had of the three boys were taken a year ago. I love them in black and white, and love seeing all of us up there together.

Crazies

I was wanting to put some family photos up at home, but realised that all the decent photos that I have of the boys are over a year old.  So last Saturday I dragged them to the park so I could take some photos. 

They weren't keen on getting their photos taken, but I bribed them with a kick of the footy and ride on their scooters afterwards, if they co-operated and didn't complain about it too much ;)

There are some lovely ones, but this one cracks me up. 

I love my crazy boys..on Earth and in Heaven.

5 Years Old

Kobe has been counting down to his birthday for months.  He kept asking me if we could go back to Queensland as that's what we did for his last birthday.  If only it were so easy to do.  When I told him that this year we would be home for his birthday, he was upset but then got excited when he realised that he would be at school on his birthday.  He absolutely loves school and cheers when he knows it's a school day.  Jalen keeps telling him to wait till he's in High School and he won't be cheering anymore :)

He then kept asking me if he could have a party with his school friends and cousins.  I felt awful about saying no, but just don't have the energy to deal with a party right now.  The boys also know they can't have a party with their friends every year, so I told Kobe that when he's older he will have a party with his friends, but this year it would just be a family party.

Every day is hard, but days such as birthdays are really hard.  I hate having to buy the boy's presents on my own as it was always something that Aaron and I loved doing together.  We loved talking about what we would get them, and how excited they would be about a certain present.  It's even hard writing in cards now, that our family isn't all together.

Kobe was excited to get an early birthday present last week from Alison and Amy.  He was so spoilt and got a pair of Hawthorn footy socks and the cutest little Nike footy boots.  He was so excited when he opened it and screamed 'yes! footy!!', and couldn't wait to get them on.

Yesterday Aaron's Dad Roxley and his Step Mum Carrol came to visit and also gave him an early birthday present.  He had lots of fun kicking the soft footy to Pa and would yell 'goal!!" whenever Pa would mark it. 

Kobe was so excited about his birthday coming up, but as usual with every birthday and anniversary now, I was dreading it as it's always an extra hard day without Aaron and Noah here to celebrate with us.  I feel very blessed to have so met so many beautiful and generous people since Aaron died, and Nicole, the Cupcake Fairy is one of them.  Last year she did so much to help us as a family in many ways.  Not only did she make us beautiful birthday cakes last year, but she did so much to help out with Aaron's funeral and helping to fund raise for us, even though she didn't know us.

I feel like I should have everything together by now, but am far from it, so I was so grateful when she offered to make our birthday cakes again this year.  The cakes I would make them would be nothing like what Nicole makes, especially as Aaron used to always make their birthday cakes.

How cute is this pic of Kobe as Aaron is making his first birthday cake for him :) 

Nicole not only offered to make Kobe whatever birthday cake he wanted, but also asked if he would like to take some special cupcakes to share with his friends at school.  He was so excited about it and requested 'flowers for girls and footys for boys'.    She even made him an extra special one and two special ones for his teacher and teacher aide.

Kobe is footy mad at the moment.  I'm scared to say that he's actually more obsessed than Harri was at his age.  He screams his head off whenever he's watching a game and knows lots of the Hawks players, so after he went to bed last night we filled his room with Hawthorn balloons, so he could wake up on his birthday and see them. 

Well that was the plan.  Unfortunately I ended up with both Harri and Kobe in my bed last night (worst night's sleep ever!) as they were both feeling sad as they were missing Daddy and Noah. I think because I've been having a rough time lately, all the boys have been feeling it more than usual too.  It's so hard because it's the time when I really wish they would just give me some space, but they need me more than ever.  

It was funny hearing Kobe at 3.30 am this morning ask 'will bears come to my birthday Mum?'.  I was half asleep so wasn't sure if I heard him right and said 'what are you talking about Kobes? Bears?' and he said 'yeah, you know bears out of the sky? Will they come to my birthday or is it just in the movies?'.  I then realised he must've just had a strange dream and told him it was just in the movies, and he went back to sleep.  This morning when I asked him if he could remember it, he had no idea. 

It was cute when the boys woke up hearing Harri say 'it's your birthday Kobes!'.  We took him into his bedroom to see the balloons and he was so excited (excuse all the phone photos - it's easier than dragging my camera around everywhere).

He was so excited to open up his presents and got lots of footy and Hawks inspired presents.

This year for the first time Harri and Jay both bought him something - Harri gave him some AFL colouring in books and Jay bought him his own Minecraft account which he was so excited about. He always wants to play Minecraft with the boys on the computer, but couldn't because he didn't have an account.  He did a big fist pump when he realised what Jay had got him!

 

One of his presents which I got him arrived just in time for his birthday - a canvas of one of the last photos taken of Aaron, just the day before he died.  It's such a special photo of both of them fishing off the jetty at St Helens.  Kobe has had the photo in a frame by his bed, but I wanted him to have a special canvas to put on his wall.  

When he opened it he said 'it's for my bedroom! I 'wuv' it!'.  He later went through all the presents he loved and said to me 'this really was my favourite present Mum, but it makes me feel a bit sad too'.  Tonight when he was in bed, I walked past his room and he said 'I just really miss Daddy so much' as he was looking at the canvas.  I told him I knew that he did and said how proud Daddy would be of him, and how I'm sure he would've been watching him today and would've loved that he was having a fun birthday.

In our house when it is your birthday you get to choose to have whatever you want for breakfast, and also tea.  I took Kobe to the supermarket a couple of days ago so he could choose something for breakfast (he usually just has weet-bix even though we have other choices in the house) and gave him a few suggestions including pancakes and sugary cereal that we wouldn't usually have, but he decided that he wanted Rice Bubbles of all things! Funny boy.

After school he decided he wanted Grandma and Grandpa to come into go to Crazy Golf with us and then McDonalds for tea.

 

When we came back home we had his cake for dessert.  He asked for a Peppa Pig cake which looked amazing! It looked too pretty to cut up and tasted as good as it looked.

He was so happy with it.

It's hard to believe that my baby is now five.  It's hard knowing that he has had to go through so much in his short life, but if you met him you wouldn't know it.  He is such a joy to have around and really makes us smile every single day.    He is at a beautiful age right now and has such a fun little personality.   It was nice to see him enjoy his birthday so much, even though it's such a hard day.

My thoughts and prayers are with a family tonight whose hearts are broken as their beautiful daughter Mia passed away this morning. She just turned five and fought hard her whole life to be here as long as she did.  It was hard celebrating Kobe's birthday when I knew what was going on in their home today. 

Mia went to the school that I work at and out of all the kids there, she reminded me the most of Noah.  I hope they found each other today and said hello and maybe even ran and side stepped together. 

Running Jack

Thank you everyone for your love and support after my last post.  It means a lot. I feel so alone a lot of the time, but forget there are hundreds of people out there who care for me and my boys.

One of our blessings since Noah passed away was meeting an amazing family, who have since become our friends.  We got to know the Duffys as they bought our wheelchair accessible van from us after Noah passed away.  I don't think I even blogged about selling it at the time, as it was such a hard thing to do. I still remember when they drove away in it, and how sad I felt knowing that we didn't need to use it anymore, but how happy I was for them, that they could now use it.  I knew how much easier it would make their life.

Their son Jack has cerebral palsy spastic quadriplegia and just turned seven today.  I am lucky to be able to work with Jack at school this year.   His parents Chris and Erin are some of the loveliest people you will ever meet and they have three children, Jack being the youngest.

Before Aaron and I met them, I had heard a lot about their family, as our friend Nicole who was Noah's first carers who worked in our home, is a friend of theirs and kept saying we should meet as she knew we would get along.

Even though we only just met them before Aaron passed away, it meant so much to me that they came to his funeral.  The boys and I have since been to their house for dinner a couple of times and we have loved spending time with their family. 

 

 

 

The boys loved it when Chris showed us around his work at the Fire Station as he is a firefighter.  We feel so blessed to have been offered to use their beautiful beach house a couple of times last year, and it really was so therapeutic to get away to such a beautiful place. 

Since getting to know them, I have just realised how amazing they really are.  When Jack was three years old they wanted to give something back to the community and to St Giles who provides therapy and equipment for kids with special needs.  Chris and Jack took part in 'Kayak Jack' where they kayaked nearly 600 km from Launceston to Hobart and raised $70,000 for St Giles.  Jack would spend one hour a day in the kayak with Chris.

As a Mum of a child who had special needs I know only too well equipment and supplies costs for our children.  I know how much that money could have changed Jack's life, so it amazes me even more that they raised it to donate to St Giles.   Chris deservedly became a state finalist in the Australian of the Year Awards.

Chris and Erin have given so much to others, and are now hoping to raise enough money to buy a communication device for Jack, that is designed for children with special needs.  Just like everything that is used by children with special needs, it is expensive and costs around $15,000.

To hopefully raise enough money Chris and Erin have pledged to run their first marathon with Jack being pushed in his running wheelchair.   Kayak Jack is now going to be 'Running Jack' and Chris, Erin and Jack have been training to get ready for it.

If you are able to, please consider donating to this awesome cause.  Having this communication device will allow Jack to be able to communicate with his family and others, and fully participate in life.  You can donate by visiting here.

You can also visit Jack's 'Kayak Jack' facebook page where they will be putting up regular updates. 

All Over Me

I don't like posting a lot about our grief - not because I'm trying to deny it, because you can't, as we feel it every day.  Sometimes the only way to cope and get through another day is to focus on the blessings that we have, so instead of saying every day 'this sucks' or 'this is hard', I try to look at the good things that we still have in our life.    It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and isn't hard, but I choose to not focus on that every minute of every day, because it could so easily take over my thoughts if I let it.

We do have many happy moments and we often have smiles on our faces, so it can be hard to explain to people how hard things still are even though we are 'looking good'.  I often run into people that I haven't seen for a while and they usually say 'you are looking really good' like they are surprised by it.  I was talking to someone the other day about it and said that it's so hard because although I may 'look good' I feel far from it.  There are days that are 'good' and days that are 'okay' but there are also many, many sad days.

Unfortunately the only way to 'heal' is to go through the stages of grief.  Luckily the stages come at different times and not all at once, or there is no way that I could cope.  Grief is exhausting and sometimes you feel like you get a little 'break' from it such as when we go on special holidays, or have extra special things happen, and sometimes every day life is okay, but I have found that you can only have a certain amount of 'good' or 'okay' days before you feel really low again.  

The reality of  my life often hits me at times when I'm least expecting it and I'm overwhelmed by grief and wonder if I will ever feel 'normal' ever again.  Normal meaning back to the old me.   I admit I was never really 'normal' ;)

The old me meaning the person that I was before Noah died.  The me who loved my life of being a stay at home Mum to four beautiful  boys on earth.   The me who was married to my best friend and spoke to him every day on the phone while he was at work, and couldn't wait for him to walk in the door after work to tell me about his day.

I know Noah and Aaron are supposed to be in an awesome place right now and I do believe that, but to put it nicely I don't want them there. It's not fair that they are there.  It sucks that they are there.  I often think about how Aaron got to good end of the deal. 

I'm sick of feeling like I'm drowning in fog.    I wonder if there will ever be a day when I go about my day without thinking 'Aaron and Noah died'. I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to laugh again properly, without feeling like my heart is really broken.

There can be weeks at at time when I feel 'good' and life is running along okay and I feel like I'm on top of everything.  I exercise a little bit, I make sure I'm eating well, I have the energy to deal with the housework and running the boys around and cooking them decent meals, and helping them with their own grief, and I look forward to things.

But then there are many days when I can't cope with anything.  The house is a mess, I'm eating crap, I have no energy to do anything, especially not exercise, my body is a mess, I don't want to leave the house and the boys are a mess, because I am too.

Some days it just takes all my energy to get out of bed, but I do it because I know that's what Aaron and Noah would want and I do it for my boys. 

I've been doing a bit of work in the library at school and one day I came across a book called 'The Sad Book'.  It perfectly described what grief is like. 

Right now I'm feeling like sad is very big, everywhere and all over me. That high that we were on just a couple of weeks ago has definitely gone.
 
I  know it'll pass and I will have 'okay' and 'good' days again. I just hope that the fog starts to lift very soon.

Egg Head

Tonight I heard a scream from Kobe and he came running to me with Jalen by his side.  Jay told me he ran into the door frame and I looked at him, just expecting I could give his head a rub and give him a hug and he'd be okay, but then I saw his head.

He had the biggest egg I had ever seen and it turned purple straight away.  I grabbed an ice pack and try to be calm as I put it on his head, but then Jay and Harri both saw it and started to panic a little bit.  He was crying because it hurt but seemed fine. but the egg was just so big that I thought I'd better ring the National Medical Helpline to see what the nurse suggested.

I was so embarrassed as I had to ring about a month ago after Jay almost suffered concussion, when he and Harri were wrestling. I was sure she was going to see on my file that I had rung recently, so joked that it sounded a bit dodgy but she said 'that's boys for you'.

When she realised how big it was (she asked me if it was the size of a fifty cent piece) she told me to take him straight to Emergency at the hospital to get him checked out.  She then started to tell me that if he lost consciousness or had a seizure to ring the ambulance straight away.  I wasn't that worried, but knew it was bad and knew I would feel better if I just went in and got him checked.

After a quick phone call our friends Makayla and Gavin came around to look after Jay and Harri.  Kobe was in tears because he wanted to stay to hang out with them, and didn't want to go to the hospital. He kept saying 'but it's not hurting now!'

On the way to the hospital (luckily it's literally a five minute drive away) he asked 'are we going to Noah's hospital?'... 'do you remember the lolly shop at the hospital Mum, do you think we can go there?'.  I told him he wasn't allowed to eat anything until the doctor saw him and then he said 'my tummy feels sore, I think I might 'bomit'.

When we got to Emergency it was lovely to see a nurse who used to work on the kids ward at the desk.  I told her what had happened and Kobe was chatting away to her and telling her that it's almost his birthday.    He was so chatty and I felt silly for taking him in as I knew he was okay, and just hoped we didn't have a three hour wait for a doctor to tell me that.

When Kobe told her he felt like 'bomiting' she gave him a spew bag and told him that if he wanted to vomit he could vomit in there, and if he didn't vomit then he could use it as a hat, but not to use it after he had vomited in it :)

While we were giving the clerk our details she asked me if he had ever been admitted before. I said he hadn't and then she asked if he was born there. I said he was and he said 'what!!? I was born here!!? This hospital is SO old!'.   He couldn't believe it when I told him it was actually more than four years old and was over 150 years old.

Our trip to Emergency was literally the quickest of all time (and we've definitely had a few to compare it to).  We were taken in to see the doctor within half an hour and he did a few tests with his eyes and asked a few questions and said that as long as he didn't lose consciousness then he was good to go home.

As we were walking out Kobe asked 'why did he say I could go home if it's still hurting me?'.  When we got home he was excited to show everyone his new 'hat'.

He hadn't seen the lump until he went to bed and saw it in the mirror.   He was shocked and yelled 'is that my lump!!?'.

He took some Panadol before bed and kept yelling from bed 'I can't sleep because of my lump!', but he's now sleeping soundly.  Hopefully the egg will go down a little bit during the night.

Stop Growing Up...

is what I wish I could say to Jalen right now.  I don't know what's happened over the past year (okay, well maybe I do) but he has suddenly gotten long and lanky (he's definitely no longer the shortest kid in the class) and has grown so much. 

He finally brought home his school photo last week after leaving it in his locker for over a month.  It's amazing how a threat of time off the computer will jog his memory! ;)   I was so happy with it. 

I know I'm very biased, but I think he looks so handsome in it.  He is still suffering a lot of grief, but I can see that sparkle in his eyes coming back. 

I just I could stop time right now, and keep him this age forever.