Still Smiling

I'm so lucky to have these three, who keep me smiling even on the hardest days.



On the day that Alison took our photos the lovely Kath from LOVEnCHERISH had sent the boys a special surprise each - a leather cuff with Aaron and Noah's names on it. They all wore them for the beginning of the photo shoot.  Thank you for being so kind Kath - the boys love them.

Hawks flowers

Yesterday I had the whole day to myself thanks to Simone who took Kobe for the day.  I didn't get to relax much as I had heaps to do and raced around all day to appointments, but was so glad that I could finally go to find some artificial flowers for Aaron's grave.  I just find there just aren't enough hours in the day at the moment.

As soon as I saw these brown and gold ones I knew I had to get them!

After I picked up the boys from school we took them up to the cemetery.  I showed Harri them as soon as he got in the car, and he said 'that's actually awesome!!!'. I hope Aaron is appreciating the Hawthorn touch.

I also got Noah some new ones which really brightened things up.

I wish I could have fresh flowers up there all the time, but these are the next best thing along with the potted plants.

Family Photos

Alison had been encouraging me for a little while to get some family photos taken.  I love being behind the camera, but hate having my own photo taken, especially right now when I know I'm not looking my best because of everything that has happened.

After talking to some other friends about it, they agreed with Alison and suggested it may be a nice thing to do, because hopefully in the future we can look back on these photos and remember how we feel right at this moment, and see that things have changed (hopefully for the better).

We really wanted a part of Noah and Aaron to be with us in the photos somehow, so we used Aaron's t-shirt quilt that Toni had made us, and a beautiful monkey that our friends Heidi and Junior had sent us after Noah passed away. It's a 'tubie' monkey and we love it so much as it reminds us of Noah not only because it's a monkey, but because it has a feeding button on it's tummy and a neb mask and also a football attached to it. We knew straight away that it was what we needed to use in the photos to have a piece of Noah with us.

Here are just a couple of the photos that Alison took that day, but I will post some more later on. 

It was hard to get 'family' photos taken without Aaron and Noah .   The boys became very emotional (and cranky) as the shoot went on and Jay even commented that it was making him sad because there were only four of us.

We had the photos taken down at the lake where Jay took our anniversary photos the last two years, and he said it reminded him of those days and he became really sad.  Thanks Alison for taking them for us. I hope in time we can look back and see how far we've come together from where we are right now.

Home and Happy

Jay got home from school camp today and is so happy to be home. He walked over to the car after school with a big grin and waved as he saw me.  He jumped in the car and gave me a big hug and looked really well and happy.  He was so excited to tell me all the things they got up to, and was especially excited to tell me about the talent night last night, and how three of the male teachers did a hilarious skit. Half way through telling me about it he said 'they remind me of Dad's sense of humour Mum - they were so funny'.  

Then as we were driving home tonight he asked 'so how have you been Mum?'. I told him I had been 'good' and that work was fun and asked him if he was worried about me, and he said he was.  I feel bad that the takes on so much responsibility and was worried about how I had been. I think being the eldest in the family, and especially being Noah's big brother, has made him take on extra responsibility without us realising how much pressure it had put him under at times.

I got a sad phone call from him last night while he was at camp (he got to use one of the teacher's phones as they know the situation and knew he may need some extra support).  He said he was sad and that some of the kids were upsetting him by a few things they said, but he was happy enough to stay. I rang him back an hour later and he seemed much happier. I think he just needed to hear my voice, and to be reassured that it will be okay and it wasn't long till he could come home.

Tonight at bed time there were lots of hugs and tears as he told me that he really missed me and just wanted someone to cuddle. I laughed and asked him why he didn't hug his friend Rani, and he said 'cause he's not my Mum'.

It's so nice to have him home again, where I know I can give him a hug when he needs one (which is very often at the moment).  I'm also proud of him that he could go away on camp at such a hard time, and was so glad that he was able to have some fun. 

Changing Seasons

This morning I woke up and opened my bedroom blinds, to see lots of Autumn leaves on my lawn.   I was amazed that there was no real sign of any yesterday, but today they were blowing around everywhere. 

It made me sad to think that the seasons really are changing. I don't want things to move on from summer which sounds crazy, because you would think after the summer we had, that I would just want to get away from it.  To me though, it makes things harder as time is moving on and it means it's longer that we have been without Noah and Aaron.

In saying that I don't actually mind autumn. I love the warm days and cool nights and love taking photos of the beautiful changing leaves.  I was out at Mum and Dad's today and stopped to take this photo as we were driving back. Kobe asked me why I was taking it, and I said that the leaves looked beautiful and soon they would fall off the trees. He then said 'cause it's winter?'. 

I reminded him that it's still autumn, but unfortunately winter is on the way.   I hate winter and am not looking forward to it at all. I have a feeling that 'our winter' as a family is going to be very long, it's going to get harder for all of us before we can enjoy 'our summer' again. 

A Quiet House

It's very quiet at home for the next few days as Jay is off on school camp.  He was looking forward to it, but was also a little worried about how he would go because he's having a really hard time at the moment.  Night times are especially sad and hard, so we talked about how camp might be a nice break for him to just have some fun with his friends and not think about what's going on at home too much.

Fingers crossed that he'll just have heaps of fun, make some new friends and come home in a few days, excited to tell me about all the fun he had.

Our Living Memorial

In The Examiner this morning they ran a story about our garden being done. I'm really disappointed that they didn't actually mention the Tasmanian Landscaping Association or businesses that made it happen.  I know they didn't do it to be recognised, but the reason that I agreed to do any
media about it was because I felt that they should be.
  

I kept looking out into our beautiful garden all day today, not believing it is really ours. We love it so much and we spent a lot of time out there today - even eating lunch and tea outside.  Kobe wants to run through the sprinklers on the lawn flat out, but I have had to keep him off to give it a chance to take hold. 

Jay keeps saying it makes him feel more relaxed which is so nice for him, as he's been really struggling especially the last few weeks.  We look forward now to a lot of time together, relaxing in our beautiful new garden.