His birthday was on the weekend so he was happy that he didn't have to go to school. He asked for pancakes for breakfast.
He was happy with an ice cream cake which was great and easy for me.
It was my birthday on the 17th and it was a really hard day. The day before I just felt really sad and angry about everything, and almost sent my friend Simone a message to say that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, as I just felt like hiding away.
The boys could see how upset I was (me yelling and saying how over everything I was didn't help - definitely not Mother of the Year this year!) and I felt sad as Harri was so upset about it and said he didn't want me to have a bad day like I did on Mother's Day. I told him that it wasn't his fault and that I was sad, but that it's okay to be sad sometimes. I could tell he was really stressed about it so in the end I just told him I was okay and that I would have a good day because I didn't want him to worry.
I think what I was the most upset about was that I feel like I have to keep going and going for the boys all the time and sometimes I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted with it all, and I felt like my birthday should be the one day when I should be able to just shut off and do (or not do) what I want to do without having to stress about how the boys are feeling.
But as a Mum I can't. I can't just switch off because my actions and thoughts affect the boys so much. I try to teach them that it's okay to have a bad day, but I don't think the boys could cope with my bad day being on my birthday as birthdays are supposed to be the happiest day ever. So I made myself go out and do something as I didn't want to make it hard for the boys.
The boys bought me some lovely presents. Jay made me laugh as he had gone shopping with two of his guy friends and chose some lovely things.
In the end I was glad I went out as being out with the boys and my friend Simone and her daughter Hallie and beautiful baby Emerson really cheered me up. It was nice that my birthday was on a Saturday so I could spend some time with Simone. She's always the friend who is there no matter what. She doesn't expect me to put on a front if I'm having a rough day and just listens to me moan and complain.
Noah would've turned 16 this year! It's hard to imagine how big he would've been if he were still here. No doubt I wouldn't have been able to lift him anymore as I was struggling to lift him before he passed away. His birthday was on a Monday and it was nice to be busy at school all day.
When we got home from school Simone had left some balloons in the house for us which was lovely.
After school we got 16 balloons from the shop and let them go at the cemetery.
Noah's birthday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. For some reason I find it easier to make Noah and Aaron's birthday a celebration for the boys, rather than my own. We miss him every day and it's actually getting hard to remember what day to day life was like when he was here.
We had a quick visit at Aaron's grave before coming home to have birthday cake for Noah. Oh how I wish he were here. He was the one who loved to celebrate birthdays more than any kid I know. I'm glad that the June birthdays are over for another year.
