Harri's Wall of Fame

Since Harri got to run through the banner with the Hawks he has been so excited about having all the photos of the day on his wall in his bedroom.   I printed out the photos that our friends Simone and Alison took and put them in a frame and on his wall, with his other Hawthorn things.  He calls his bedroom his 'Hawks wall of fame'.
A friend let us know that there was a picture of Harri running through the banner on the AFL photos website.  It is such an awesome photo which I ordered and also put in frame for him.
We heard that Luke Hodge and Brent Guerra were doing a promotional appearance at Harvey Norman a few weeks ago, so we went along to see them so that Hodgey could sign Harri's photos for him.

It was great as there was hardly anyone there, so we got to spend a little bit of time talking to them.  I told Hodgey that Harri got to run through the banner with him (I didn't expect him to remember him at all since he sees so many kids all the time) and he was lovely to him and asked him what he thought about doing it.   He told him it was the best day of his life.  Hodgey made us laugh when he looked at the photo and commented that he should've had a shave that day.

Brent Guerra was really lovely and said to Harri that one day he may run through the banner for real if he plays for the Hawks.

I couldn't resist a photo with them too.  I'm sure Aaron would be so proud of me for keeping up our obsession with Hawthorn :)

Harri was so excited that they were able to sign his photos and it was nice that Hodgey wrote him a personal message.

Today we went along to watch Hawthorn train, before they play the Brisbane Lions tomorrow.  We were excited to see Brendan Whitecross who has been out all year with an injury, but will be playing again tomorrow.  We follow each other on instagram and Harri always gets so excited if he ever 'likes' one of my photos, so it was lovely to be able to actually meet face to face today.  He was busy signing autographs along the fence and not really looking up, so when he started to sign Harri's football card I said 'Hi Brendan, you follow us on Instagram' and he said 'ah the Kings!' and then asked how Jay's arm is.  Poor Jay was sitting up in the stands, but was excited when I told him that Brendan Whitecross asked how he was going.

He was lovely and took Kobe over the fence so I could get a photo of them together.  Kobe isn't feeling very well, so has rosy cheeks and tired eyes.
Harri and I had fun chasing down Alistair Clarkson (the Hawk's coach) so that he could get his autograph and a photo.  He was lovely and didn't mind at all. 

At training Emma, who works for Hawthorn, gave me a disc with official AFL photos on it from the day that Harri got to run through the banner.  It was exciting to come home and have a look at the photos. 

I love Harri's concentrating tongue sticking out. Running with the Hawks is obviously serious business!
Possibly the best coin toss ever at an AFL match! ;)

I didn't even have to rig it for Hodgey to win the toss!

It's been fun to look at more photos of that day, as it was something that we will never forget, especially Harri. 

Noah's 12th Birthday

Today would've been Noah's 12 birthday.   Last year I felt really anxious as his birthday approached and just felt like I wanted to get away with the boys, but this year I felt like I was going to cope with it a bit better.

I think it's because I'm more at peace about Noah's passing, as we knew that he was ready.  On his last birthday on earth we knew that we probably didn't have much longer with him as we knew that he was getting more and more tired.  It doesn't mean we don't miss him and it doesn't mean it's easy, but I think I just feel a lot different about Noah's passing away to Aaron passing away.  I will always think that Aaron should still be here.

There are always times when I just think how unfair it all is, but I'm just so grateful that we were blessed with ten years with Noah, when I know that we could've had a lot less.  As I thought about his birthday coming up, I just wanted to try to make it a day to celebrate his life and remember the good times with him.  Sometimes that's easier said than done, but today it was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Jalen's arm being fractured was probably a good distraction as it's been a full on couple of days with him.  He is still in so much pain and had his school jumper on for two days as he was too scared to move his arm to take it off.  I finally talked him into trying to get it off today, and I dosed him up with pain meds before. It was a very slow process and he was happy to jump in the shower with a sling on his arm and then it took forever to get a new top back on him.  It'll be another few days before we attempt to remove it again, so I told him he'll have to make do with lots of deodorant in the meantime.

He's pretty miserable and bored because he is in too much pain to be at school and can't play on the computer, but hopefully in a day or two the pain will be much better.  He's hoping he will be able to lay down in bed tonight to sleep because the last couple of nights it's been too painful to lay down.  People keep asking if it can be put in a cast, but because the fracture is too high up (right up near his shoulder) the sling is the only option. 


Today the grades 3-6 at Harri's and Kobe's school went on an excursion to watch the Launceston College's production of Hairspray.  When we realised it was going to be on Noah's birthday I thought it would be nice to go along as parent help with Harri so that we had something to look forward to together. I was lucky that it fell on my day off work.  Harri was so excited to have me come along, and it was nice to have a good distraction and something fun to do.
It's nice that Harri is still happy to have me come along to school things, so I am trying to make the most of it while I can.
After school we got some helium balloons and headed to the cemetery to release them.  We got there right on dusk and were scared they were going to lock the gates on us while we were in there because it was already after closing time when we got there, so we quickly let them go and yelled 'Happy Birthday Noah!' and jumped in the car before even seeing Aaron's grave, as we weren't keen on spending the night in the cemetery ;)



For tea we decided to have a pizza picnic on the lounge room floor.  It's nice that the Give Me Five For Kids fundraiser happens around Noah's .  It raises money to buy equipment for the children's ward at our local hospital.  Last night we loved watching the telethon and seeing the kids ward that Noah spent a lot of time in and we even saw an interview with the lovely doctor who was with us when Noah passed away.  The boys and I decided again to donate the money that we would've spent on buying Noah a birthday present, to the GM5FK fundraiser.  When I heard that they were hoping to buy a vein finder I couldn't help but think how wonderful that would've been when Noah was alive, as it was always so hard to get blood or put a canula in.

After tea we rang my Dad who also celebrates his birthday today.  Today he is 61.  After tea we had birthday cake which I made.  It had a monkey candle for the top since we always called Noah 'monkey'.

I love that Instagram now has a video option so I made this short video of the boys singing Noah 'Happy Birthday' on Instagram.   Harri keeps saying his monkey 'Nono' is now 12 too since he is the same age as Noah. 

Thank you everyone for all the texts, comments, messages and flowers.  They mean so much to me. One comment really touched me which said (about Noah) 'you are still touching people and having a huge impact here on this earth! Thank you for your example' (thank you Brad).  

I'm sure Noah and Aaron are partying big time together today. 

Fractured

While I was at work today I got a message from school to say that Jalen was in the first aid room. I often get calls from school so I just assumed that his cold and sore throat had gotten worse, and thought it was strange that they were ringing me at 2pm when there was only and hour to go before school was finished.

I rang them back and was told that he had fallen off some equipment and had hurt his arm and was in a lot of pain. When I went to pick him up I was shocked to see how much pain he was in.  He was crying and couldn't move his arm and could hardly walk to the car because every time he moved his arm was hurting even more.

He said when he landed on top of his arm and he heard a snap.  I took him straight to our GP who put a sling on it and said to take him to the hospital for x-rays and then go to emergency once the x-rays were done.   We did that and it seemed to speed things up a lot because we went straight through when they knew the x-rays were already done. 
The x-rays showed that he had a bad fracture in his upper arm.  Harri and Kobe were great while we waited for the registrar to talk to the orthopaedic doctors, so they could decide what they were going to do. 

Because of the position of the break they decided to put it in a cuff and collar sling so that it is supported until it heals itself.  Jay was freaking out that they may have to operate, but the doctor said it should heal up okay and that we will have to the fracture clinic next week to see how it is going.

Poor Jay is miserable and is especially sad that he can't even go on the computer and play his favourite games or make his YouTube videos because he needs to use both hands.  As he just said 'this sucks'. It's going to be a long six weeks or so. 

Kissing the Cup

Sometimes when I'm on the computer I find a photo or video that I haven't seen or had forgotten about.  A while ago I was having a look at the file on the computer that had all of Aaron's iPhone photos and videos in it.  I hadn't seen this video until then.   I love hearing the students call him 'Kingy'.

It was about a month after Noah passed away and he was still having some time off work.  School rang him up to let him know that they had a guy from Hawthorn coming to school to speak in assembly and asked if he wanted to come along. 

He didn't hesitate about going, and was so excited that they brought the premiership cup with them.   He was especially excited that he actually got to hold it and carry it around school.  He makes me laugh as he's caressing that cup like he never wants to let it go.   I still remember how excited he was that day.  He kept texting me with different photos of him holding the cup.

Oh how much I miss my silly man who loved his footy, loved his job and just loved life. 

End of an Era

There's so many things changing in our lives lately, and another big change is that my Mum and Dad are selling their home that we grew up in.   It's a beautiful home and it was their dream home which was built while we lived in a shed for a year. 

Mum and Dad aren't getting any younger and the house and land are getting to be a lot of work for both of them, so they know it's time to sell up and move on. It's a very hard and big decision to have made and I'm sure they would love to stay there forever if it was possible.  The hardest thing about selling will be leaving the amazing views behind.  

Last Saturday we went out to help tidy up their garden and to have a family tea.  Becky and Jared and my cousin Jarom and his wife Jess had already done a lot of work on it. 

 

Harri was such a hard worker and was back and forth taking loads of rubbish with the wheelbarrow to the bonfire pile. 

 

 

After we did the garden it was nice to have a family tea as we hadn't caught up for a long time.  It's always nice to get together, but we always miss Chrish and the Watsons.  The cousins love getting together and it's always very noisy.

If anyone is looking for a beautiful home in the country on ten acres, then check out my Mum and Dad's home here.   If it sells because someone found it from my blog, then I'm getting 4% commission Mum and Dad ;)

39

39 years old.  That's how old I am today.  That's how old Aaron was when he passed away.  That is what has been on my mind all week.

Aaron was 18 months older than me. He was always older than me, which meant I always got to stir him up and tease him about what an old man he was.  Now we are the same age.   Harri always talks about how 'Dad is 40' but to me Aaron will always be 39, just as Noah will always be 10. 

It's like we have our own little 'Twilight' happening where Aaron is Edward who is always going to stay 'young' (because 39 really is young right!?) and I'm Bella who without turning into a vampire, is just going to get old and (even more) wrinkly, and will always look at photos of my young husband and wish we actually got to grow old together. 

Birthdays etc are really hard now and as much as I tell myself to just try to enjoy the day because that's what Aaron and Noah would want, you can't force yourself to feel happy when your heart just feels empty.  

As much as I'd just rather forget the whole day, I knew that the boys were excited about it and I try to make the most of the day for them.   It was so cute when Kobe came into my bed at 7am this morning.  He snuggled under the blankets and then all of a sudden he sat up and said 'it's your birthday Mum!!'.  I went and woke up Harri and Jay like I do every morning and Harri straight away said 'happy birthday Mum!'.  All three boys then came into my bedroom with presents that Alison had helped them get.  Thanks Alison. 

They were so excited to show me what they had picked out.  All week Harri had been working on something for me and whenever I would walk into the room he would quickly shut his book he was drawing in and would tell me not to look.  

This morning Jalen helped him put it in a frame that Alison had also organised and he was so excited to give it to me. I absolutely love his picture he drew of our whole family and is my favourite present.  I love it so much I have decided to put it up as our blog header for a while.   I was talking with my friend Simone about how it's interesting that he drew Noah and Aaron together, whereas before he would've always drawn Aaron and I together. 

 

Harri's beautiful teacher at school was so kind and gave me a little present and made us some beautiful cupcakes. I felt very spoilt.  After I dropped the boys at school I went and had a massage which was so nice.   If you live in or near Launceston and you are looking for a good masseur you need to visit Rose. 

After my massage I met Simone for lunch.  It was nice to catch up and have some yummy food, and chat about how crazy life is.  Simone is always so understanding and if I'm having a rough time I know I can tell her I don't feel like catching up or can tell her that I'm not great, without her getting stressed about me, as she knows I just need some time and always just seems to know what to do to help, whether it be just giving me some space or sending a card or leaving one at the cemetery.

She is also good at helping me with my emotional eating and often supplies me with her beautiful caramel slice, which she also did today.   I'm not sure that is such a good thing!
After lunch I headed to the cemetery since we didn't get there yesterday.  We always try to go on Sunday after church but the boys have been too sad this week and really didn't want to go yesterday, so I decided to go on my own today.  

I wondered whether Aaron and Noah were watching what was going on, or whether they were too busy.  Sometimes I feel them close by, but today wasn't one of those days.
  This afternoon Mum and Dad dropped in and also Aaron's Dad and Step Mum Carrol and Alison. Mum and Dad and Alison bought me some beautiful flowers and Aaron's Dad always spoils us with money or gift vouchers to buy something special, which is nice. 
I was once again spoilt by the beautiful Cupcake Fairy, Nicole who made me a delicious and beautiful birthday cake.  It was chocolate mudcake with Ferrero Rocher chocolates on the top. It was so good.

I wasn't in the mood for doing much and during the week I knew I didn't want to cook on my birthday, so I told the boys that we would probably go out somewhere for tea on my birthday.  I didn't care where, as long as I didn't have to cook.  Mum and Dad told me on Saturday that they were coming in and wanted to take us out for tea which was nice.  I am going out for tea tomorrow night for my birthday with some girlfriends, so am feeling a bit spoilt this week.

Just twelve days before Aaron passed away we had a couple of nights without the boys.  Mum and Dad offered to have them for a couple of nights, and it was just what we needed as it had been a rough few months since Noah passed away.  While the boys were at Mum and Dad's Aaron and I had a lovely couple of days together and went on our last 'date' together to the Jailhouse Grill for tea.  I remember that night really clearly as we had been really grieving hard for Noah but we had a really lovely night out together and had lots of fun teasing Jay who was sending us text messages from Mum and Dad's house.   We were telling him we were getting romantic and he didn't like it very much. 

It was these couple of days together when I really felt like Aaron had turned a little corner with his grief for Noah, and I felt like he could see that life would be okay again because we had each other.   I wanted to go back to the Jailhouse Grill tonight as I wanted the boys to go there so they could see the place that Aaron and I went for our last date out together.

Jay has definitely taken over being the man of the house with the amount he is eating lately.  He's getting so tall and lanky.

 

Thank you to everyone for all your birthday emails, texts, messages, cards, comments on Instagram and love on my Facebook wall.   It really does mean a lot to know that so many people are wishing me a happy birthday and know that it isn't necessarily a happy or easy day.  It's weird to think that in thirty one days I will officially be older than Aaron was when he passed away.   I actually think he may be having a little chuckle about that one, and is probably calling me an old woman now!

I've had a few comments asking if I was going to get a dog for my birthday.  Let's just say that I'm taking all the comments in (and who would've thought that a post about possibly getting a dog would get so many comments!) and the jury is still considering their verdict :) 

The Great Dog Debate

For a couple of years Jalen has been asking for a pet. First of all he was wanting a guinea pig and then he was happy with some fish....for a little while.   For the last six months or so Jay has been asking if we can get a dog.   I grew up with dogs but am not an animal person at all, so I have been trying to put the boys off as long as I can, telling them how much work a dog will be and how hard it will be to just go away whenever we wanted.  I just don't enjoy animals and my Mum thinks it's terrible since I grew up on a farm, and we had animals around all the time. 

Jay thinks he is hilarious and often sends me text messages (even when he's sitting across the other side of the room) complete with pictures of cute little puppies. 

Jay started to get Harri and Kobe on his side, but luckily they're easily bought and were happy with a couple more fish - pity they only lasted a week! 

Jay however isn't keen on giving up his dream of a dog, and keeps asking me when we can get one.  Whenever he sees a dog he is all over it and gives me the puppy dog eyes as he says 'don't you want one Mum!?'.  

It doesn't help that my brother Christian just got a black Labrador puppy and the boys keep seeing photos of her and keep saying that they want her.  Chrish loves teasing the with photos of her, so I'm hoping when we go and visit him soon that they will be happy with just spending some time with her.  I'm doubting it though!

Jay does have a good argument to get a dog as he tells me that dogs are supposed to be good for depression, and he keeps saying how happy it would make him and 'we need to have some happy things in our life after all that we've been through'.  I think that's called a guilt trip :)

When I talk to him seriously about how much work a dog would be, and how he wouldn't be able to spend as much time on the computer,  he then says that maybe he's not really ready for a dog and starts to change his mind, but then a week later he is begging me for a dog again. 

One day he hijacked my phone and sent himself a text message, pretending it was from me.  I didn't find it till about half an hour later when he sent me a text from his own phone.  He definitely has his Dad's sense of humour. 

When we went to Agfest this year there was a gorgeous dog that Jay fell in love with.  It was a spoodle and ever since then he keeps telling everyone that he wants a spoodle.  I have been slowly coming around to the idea that maybe a dog would be good for the boys, but when I saw the price of a spoodle, I told Jay that was definitely out of the question.  It was pretty cute though.

I'm still not sold at all on the idea of having a dog, as I just know that I will be the one left doing all the work once the novelty wears off, and I love just being able to go anywhere whenever we want, without having to think about what we would do with a pet.

I also have lots of concerns about getting a dog including whether we could afford the cost of a dog, and what kind of dog would be best, what sex is best and even where to get one from.  We love the look of cavoodles, labradoodles and cockapoos but really have no idea about breeds and what would be best for a family who has no clue what they're doing.

I know that if we did get one then I would want one that is small or medium sized, that doesn't shed or bark very much and could be inside.  Maybe I should just buy Jalen a soft toy dog, but somehow I don't think he'll settle for that.