The Kings

Preparing for tomorrow

2012-01-30T23:07:00.000+11:00

As I drove to the funeral home with Chrish today, I said how different it is planning a funeral 'on my own'. I feel anything but on my own at the moment as I have family staying, and so much love, support and physical help, but some things I can only do on my own.

When we were planning Noah's funeral Aaron and I did it together. Aaron put together all of his photos and helped Jay make the DVD clips, while I helped the boys with their talks. Now I'm doing it on my own, and as strange as it sounds I'm glad that I've already gone through it once before with Aaron by my side. If I hadn't done it before and had to plan his funeral all by myself, I know there is no way I could be doing what I'm doing right now.

I can't even compare the passing of Noah to the passing of Aaron. I don't even know what I think myself. In some ways it's easier as the experience of losing Noah has helped me to know what to expect, but it many ways it's so much harder. I still don't believe it. I'm not sure if I'll ever believe it. I know it's happened, it's just too much to come to terms with it just yet.

When I arrived at the funeral home the funeral director who did Noah's funeral came out straight away to give me a hug. I cried and told her that Aaron obviously couldn't live without Noah and she said that when the call came through they just couldn't believe it.

Today my brothers and brother in law Alex, and our friend who is our Stake President from our church were my rocks. They dressed Aaron's body and we got to spend a lot of time together as we touched him, kissed him, cried over him and even laughed. I'm sure Aaron was loving the fact that Eden and Chrish were wearing his Hawthorn ties and he even got Jared into his pink one! Jared is not one to wear pink :)

After they dressed him, the boys and I went in to spend some time alone with Aaron's body. I kind of knew what to expect after dressing Noah after he passed away, and it was the same this time. He looked so peaceful and beautiful and it's strange to say but he really looked so happy. We laughed as it looked like he had a little grin on his face, and we stired him about all the grief he was giving us, while he was just smiling.

The boys were so brave and stayed for a long time with him. Jalen shed lots of tears as he touched and hugged him, while Harri and Kobe just stood back a little and were very quiet. I didn't want to leave Aaron, especially as I know that I'll only his body one more time tomorrow. It's so hard not being able to see Noah's face or touch him anymore and now I have to feel that pain with Aaron too.

After dressing his body we went to the church to set up a table with some of Aaron's special things. Harri helped me choose out his favourite Hawks geurnsey. It's hard to know which one is a favourite, when he has so many!

At the chapel were people setting up hundreds (literally!) of beautiful donated flowers from different florists around town. I'm overwhelmed with the generosity and kindness of so many people right now. Even though we set up quickly, we spent a lot of time just sitting around together, watching the clips that Jay and I put together of photos of Aaron. It was lucky that I had lots of hankies on hand.

It's hard to believe that tomorrow is his funeral. It's strange to even type that. I wish I didn't have to type that. It's going to be another long night as I sit and write my talk for the funeral tomorrow. I don't want to miss out anything, but know that I could never say enough about how lucky I was to be married to my best friend.

Please tell your Dad

2012-01-30T01:42:00.005+11:00

that I'm sorry that I yelled that I needed him and he had to breath. I still do need him and I wish he was breathing, and talking, and walking, and joking, and holding me right now. But I know you and Dad needed to be together for some reason, but it's so hard to take.

It's hard to understand, and it's hard to see how I'm going to live without both of you.

But I have to.

Please hug your Dad for me and tell him how much I love and miss him very much.

Even though my thoughts are consumed with your Dad at the moment, you are also on my mind as I wonder what you are doing together. I hope you were both watching us today as your cousins came to play with your brothers. They loved having them here, and it made me happy to see them having so much fun together. Chloe and Kelsea were so cute picking my herbs for me out of Daddy's veggie patch (that didn't really need to be picked) so I didn't 'have to do so much work'.

Tell Dad that Uncle Eden fixed that silly blind that we could never fix properly. He said it's 'never, ever coming down again'. I'm sure Dad will be happy about that :)

Is it real?

2012-01-29T00:14:00.000+11:00

I know it really happened, but how can it be real?

This is how I imagine us right now - together with you right by my side helping me to have the strength to get through the hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.

I know you couldn't stay honey as much as I wish you could. I know there must be something much bigger that you are doing right now. I kept thinking how torn you must've been - to want to stay for me and the boys, but wanting and needing to go.

I'm okay. We even played cards with the boys tonight and had lots of laughs. I'm sure you saw Harri and his crazy trash talking, making us all laugh. It seems strange to do 'normal' things but I feel like I need to for the boys. I'm sure you also saw Kobe showing off all day as he danced for us. At bedtime he said 'Daddy died, Noah died, Daddy died too. He's not here'.

I'm so overwhelmed with love and support at the moment and you know how independent and strong I always am. It's hard to accept things from people, but I know you would be wanting me to just accept things because I need all the help I can get right now, and be grateful.

And I am. So, so, so grateful.

Please give Noah a hug from me, and tell him I love and miss him so much.

And then there were four

2012-01-27T21:00:00.000+11:00

We are home from our holiday down at St Helens early unfortunately because my heart is breaking as Aaron passed away after 9 pm last night. I'm numb and feel physically sick and can't believe it. It looks like he suffered a heart attack. I know his heart was so sad after losing Noah and I'm sure that had something to do with it, but I also know that in many ways he was prepared to go now and has hard as it is to believe, it was his time to go.

My family was with me and thank goodness they were because I needed them last night, more than I've needed anything before. They gave me so much strength and without them there I know it would've been so much worse.

This is one of the last photos that I took of him, which was taken the day before he passed away.

I know that they say that you aren't given anymore than you can handle, but right now I think I'm at my limit. After losing Noah less than four months ago and now losing my best friend, soul mate and love of my life I'm so grateful for my three boys who I love so much, who give me strength to keep going and look ahead to the day when we will be together with Noah and Aaron again. All I can think of is them hugging and talking and running and even side stepping together. Oh how wonderful their reunion must've been.

I love you Aaron and I wish you were just for one more day, to let you know just how much.

Wishing you were coming too

2012-01-24T23:18:00.001+11:00

Tomorrow we are heading off for our annual break away at the beach. We are really looking forward to it but it is so bittersweet as we are excited to get away, but know it is not going to be the same without having Noah with us.

We are having a harder week than usual this week, and there have been a lot of tears from all of us. We hope that the week away will be a happy one and just the thing we need. My whole family plan on heading down as well later on and we look forward to showing them all the beautiful spots that we visit every year.

I have no doubt we will be thinking of Noah every single minute as we do things we would normally do with him with us. I plan on having a REAL break and not touching the blog until we get back so if it's quiet on here, it's all good :)

Tears for Sam

2012-01-23T20:21:00.000+11:00

Kobe is absolutely obsessed with the Wiggles. He has been excited to see them in the paper a lot over the past week or so, and would sit and look at it for ages.

The boys then filled him in on why they are actually in the newspaper - because Greg is coming back and Sam has to leave. Kobe kept saying 'but why Sam leaving!? Sam still here! See!!' and would point to his picture in the paper. We kept telling him that Greg was going to be the 'new' yellow Wiggle. He was NOT happy and his bottom lip dropped and the tears started. We tried to play it down and said that Sam was getting a new job and was going to look after his baby. He then just kept asking 'but why!?'.

I hope The Wiggles know how much trauma they are putting the kids through!

Holiday at home

2012-01-23T00:08:00.000+11:00

On Friday night my brother Christian ('Chrish' or 'Pish' if you are Kobe!) arrived from Sydney, to stay for a couple of weeks in Tassie. The boys were so excited to know he was coming to stay for a couple of nights before heading out to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Harri straight away asked if we could pick him up from the airport and then take him straight to see Noah's grave, as he hadn't seen it since the week of Noah's funeral. Chrish was happy to go and visit and I'm sure Noah would've loved his bright Star Track uniform that he had on, as he went straight to the airport from work :)

It's nice to have the whole family back in one place again, but of course it doesn't feel like the whole family is here at all with Noah gone. We are looking forward to spending a couple of weeks together as a whole family with Chrish home, and I'm sure Noah will be watching over us as we do some fun things together.

Under the Possum Tree

2012-01-20T20:30:00.000+11:00

Yesterday Harri recieved a HUGE package in the mail. We had no idea what it was, or who it was from at first, so he was VERY excited to see he was getting a big box in the mail.

Inside was a card saying that they knew that Harri was missing Noah a lot and they hoped that he would love the present and to let him and us know they were thinking of us every day. Inside was the most beautiful rug with a photo of the boys in front of the 'possum tree' (blossom tree) on it. It was incredible and we couldn't believe that someone had organised it for us. As an extra special treat there was also a HUGE bag of peanut butter cups for him to share with us :)

Harri and Kobe loved lying down to see if they were actually taller than their picture on the rug.

Thank you Angie for such a beautiful and touching gift. We love it so much and Harri has taken it off to his bedroom. I'm sure after a little while we will be able to have it out with us more so we can all snuggle under it together :)

The 'other footy' season

2012-01-19T22:56:00.001+11:00

It may not be the AFL footy season right now, but Aaron and the boys are loving NFL at the moment. If they aren't watching it, they are talking about it. But even better is playing it together.

I love watching them have so much fun together, even if it means we have to put up with footy season all year round.

Smile!

2012-01-18T07:35:00.000+11:00

Speaking of calendars a friend came up to me at church on Sunday and asked if it was me in this years 'Smile calendar'. I asked if she meant one of my photos as I had entered a few photos in this years Smile competition again, but knew that none of them had been placed this year.

She told me she actually thought there was a photo of me in it and described what the photo looked like, and I realised straight away that it must've been one that Makayla had taken of Kobe and I in the leaves last year. Yesterday we went to see if we could get a copy of the calendar.

Yep! There we were - right on the best month of the year! (Kobe's, Noah's and my birthdays are in June). I texted Makayla to tell her it was actually in there (as Centro doesn't even let you know that you even have a photo in there) and she was very excited.

I started to look through the calendar and was shocked to see that two of my photos that I had entered were also in there!! It's very exciting seeing my photos being published. My photo of Maddi, Kels and Chloe at Easter time was featured in April.

And one of my favourite photos ever of Leanne getting dragged into Pop's river was featured in March.

I had to beg for them to give me calendars for Makayla and myself (you would think they would even just send us a couple since our photos are in there!?) so if anyone happens to come across any and you don't want them, I would love some extra copies so I could give one to Nicki, Steph and Becky and also Leanne.

The buddies are back together

2012-01-16T21:53:00.002+11:00

We had been hanging out for tonight knowing that all of the gym buddies would be back together again, with a reunion at the bike centre. The Horsmans and Kylie and Shayne and the kids also joined us (we think they should definitely come to the gym with us!) and was lovely for them to be there as they had gotten to know each other over the last year or so with babies born around the same time, and getting to know each other through Facebook and each others blogs. There were lots of meetings for the first time.

Lisa brought along treats from the USA for everyone to try.

It was lovely catching up with everyone. The kids had a lovely time playing together - even though some of them had never met until tonight.

I wish these three were going to high school together this year.

Kobe and Eden crack us up. They play hard to get with each other, and act all shy but we can see how happy they are to see each other again.

It's so nice to have all my gym buddies back in one place. The boys also joined us for a little while. We are being a bit slack at the gym over summer as we are making the most of the beautiful weather, but I'm looking forward to having us all in the back corner again tomorrow! As I said to Kylie tonight - our mouths get more of a workout than our bodies most of the time, but we love it.

Dates

2012-01-15T21:44:00.000+11:00

I'm not sure if it's just me who does it, but I always wait until early January to buy my calendar for the year, so I don't have to pay full price. I finally got one this week and pulled down the old calendar to transfer everyone's birthdays over to the new one.

As I started to do it I kept noticing all the appointments and references to Noah and it of course made me sad, but then I was also happy for Noah at the same time, that he no longer needed to go to 'physio' or ' Dr B' or 'bisphosphonate therapy' or 'seating clinic' anymore or any of the other hundreds of appointments he had every year.

Kobe was the calendar boy for September on the Smile photo calendar this year, as my photo was featured for that month. As I turned to that month I realised it was also the last month that we had Noah at home with us, as he was flown to ICU on the 1st October. That last week at home with him we had two appointments - some training for Di and Alison to become accredited to suction and feed him so we could have respite on the weekends and taking Noah with me to talk to the med students at the hospital. It's crazy to think that three days later he was in ICU on a vent.

I had a few of these calendars to keep as souvenirs because my photo was in it, and I haven't written on them, but I just couldn't throw this old one out because it has so much about Noah on it. It's now in his box with all his other special things. I'm sure my calendar won't be half as full this year.

Beach birthdays

2012-01-14T22:13:00.000+11:00

In our family there are five birthdays in January - Eden's, Mum's, Eamon's, Alex Jnr and Linc's. Today we headed up to Ulverstone to meet the boys and to celebrate Linc's and Alex's 2nd and 4th birthdays. Nicki and Alex had hired out the Ulverstone waterslide for half an hour, so we had it all to ourselves which was heaps of fun, and meant we got lots of rides in. It was a beautiful day for it.

Afterwards we had party food and a play at the park across the road and the boys opened up their presents.

The weather was so beautiful so we headed across to the beach for a while.

It's really strange having so much 'free' time at the moment, and being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want to. For years I had heard about the shop Reliquaire for years, but had never been there, so we decided to call in on the way home. It was amazing and the boys had a great time looking at all the treasures (especially the Star Wars stuff). The whole time I kept thinking to myself that there was no wheelchair (or pram) access, but it was an incredible shop.

We had a lovely day also calling into visit Tayla at Ashgrove, and Makayla at Subway on the way home.

Peace and Quiet

2012-01-13T21:08:00.001+11:00

Aaron and I have been loving having two nights and a day without the boys. Poor Mum on the otherhand sounds exhausted! I spoke to her today and she said 'they're full on!!' Yep! That's why we need a break! :) The boys have been having a lovely time which is nice to hear.

Aaron and I feel like it's gone way too fast and haven't really had much of a break, especially as I had to work this afternoon, but we have enjoyed the peace and quiet. Last night we went to visit Noah's grave alone just before the sun went down. It's always really nice to go up there without the boys.

This morning we went to the gym together and we have enjoyed eating more calories than we have burnt off by watching DVDs both nights with lots of treats and no boys to share them with (they are going to hate it when they see this!).

It's been nice to have the house quiet as we can just collapse on the bed for a little nap we feel like it. This is how I found Aaron this afternoon.

Tonight we went out for tea together to the Jailhouse Grill.

We had a big laugh when we got a text message from Jay. He told us he was about to watch Star Wars and then this was the result (don't mind the typos and spelling errors). I always know how to scare him away! :)

We had a lovely meal and have to say that although we love our boys, we are not really looking forward to having a noisy house again tomorrow. I'm sure Grandma and Grandpa are looking forward to a break though. Hopefully they won't be too scared to have them stay again as we are already looking forward to another boy free time.

59 and the present is for us!

2012-01-12T19:00:00.000+11:00

Today is Mum's birthday (almost another big 0 birthday!) so we invited her and Dad in for lunch. We had a lovely lunch and while I was at work this morning Aaron whipped her up a birthday cake.

As soon as they got here Harri came whispering to me 'can we go and stay at Grandma and Grandpa's house and sleep in the tent?' (something they like to do each summer). I told him that they had to go to a meeting tonight so it wasn't a good night, but Mum said it would still be okay for them to go if they wanted.

Kobe heard what was going on and started to cry saying he wanted to go as well. Mum was more than happy to have them, so the boys packed their bags and a few hours later they were off with Mum and Dad for two nights!

Harri was so excited to go until it was actually time to go, and then he burst into tears and started stressing. He'll love it once he is there and is looking foward to riding their motor bike all day tomorrow.

This is the first time in TWELVE years (except for one very quick night in Melbourne) that we have been child free overnight - let alone TWO nights! We have felt like we have really needed some time alone since Noah passed away, so we are looking forward to some time together with no boys moaning, fighting, complaining, or wanting our attention. It's a pity I have to go to work tomorrow afternoon.

So there is no cooking for two nights, no cleaning for the next day or so and lots of time to just relax, hang out and enjoy the peace together! Someone was just a LITTLE bit excited as they drove off!

They say time flies...

2012-01-11T21:21:00.000+11:00

when you are having fun, but it really flies when you aren't having so much fun either. It's hard to believe that it's been over a year already since the Woodwards went to the USA on their big adventure. Today they came home and we were so excited to see them. We got to the airport and realised that they were delayed by half an hour, so we had fun chatting to Jacquie and the boys while we were waiting.

They had a little group of family and friends waiting to welcome their home. Everyone was really looking foward to seeing them.

Finally their plane arrived.

It was so nice to see them come up the stairs.

We had told Kobe all week that Eden was coming home, and yesterday he said 'tomorrow me talk to Eden on the laptop!?' (via Skype which is what we had done all year). I reminded him that we didn't have to talk to her on the laptop as she was going to be at the airport. He was so excited to see her, and said he was going to give her a hug and say 'I missed you Eden' and 'Noah died', but when it came to it they were both SO shy! It was very cute.

The only thing that got Kobe close to talking to her was Eden showing him her Barbie bus!

It was so good to see Lisa. It was hard having them gone when Noah passed away and in the last few months, and I know they found it hard not being here too when every thing was going on.

She always makes me laugh, and I'm looking forward to having her back at the gym with all of us making us laugh in the back corner!

They had a lot of bags, so we piled a few into our car to take them to the Horsman's house where they are staying until they move back into their house.

We loved stirring Lisa up all year with our visits to the Exeter Bakery as it's her favourite, so we brought along some things from the shop in town for them.

When we got in the car I asked Kobe why he didn't give Eden a big hug and he said 'cause me too shy!'. I laughed and then he said 'why she don't wuv me anymore!?'. It sounded so cute. I told him she does still love him and that they were both just too shy, but later at the Horsman's house they warmed up to each other and talked about playing Barbie's together and had a hug - so funny and cute! Earlier in the day I had cut Kobe's hair and he said 'Eden will say whit whoo!' and I said she might say that, so tonight he was very disappointed and said 'Eden didn't say whit whoo!' :)

Lisa cracked us up as we were driving next to them, through town. In typical Lisa style she was hanging out the window yahooing and carrying on :)

It's great to have you home Woodwards!

Home sweet home

2012-01-10T18:16:00.004+11:00

We hated leaving Bicheno today, but we are also glad to be home. This morning I woke up at 4.20 am and for some reason I couldn't get back to sleep. At 5.15 am Harri woke up as there were birds outside making a lot of noise and he wasn't sure what the noise was. I told it was because the sun was coming up that the birds were starting to sing, and it just hit me...the sun was coming up! I told Harri to tell Aaron if he woke up that I was at the beach and Harri said 'taking photos?!' (he knows me well :)

I actually thought it would just be a nice chance to have some quiet time on my own, as literally haven't had any time alone since Noah passed away, and taking the camera would be a bonus. So much for waiting till dark to see a penguin! All I had to do was get up at sunrise as there was a baby penguin in the carpark! My camera settings weren't right and I had to run over and quickly snap it before it took off in the bushes, so the photo is a bit blurry.

At 5.30 am the beach was so beautiful, quiet and relaxing. It was absolutely incredible sitting on the rocks watching the moon disapper and the sunrise.

I spent over an hour there huddled under a blanket as it was a little bit fresh, but it was so worth it to see such a beautiful sunrise. It was so nice to have some time alone, to just think about the last few months. I actually looked at photos and videos of Noah on my phone and had a little cry, but it was a 'good cry' where I just felt so lucky to have been able to love and care for him for ten amazing years.

When I got back to the shack (Aaron was still asleep and had no clue I had even gone until about 8.30 am!) I got a text from Konnie who was down in Coles Bay with the family, while they are holidaying in Tassie for a couple of weeks. We knew we missed seeing them in Launceston, so were so glad that they were able to drive up to see us at Bicheno with Uncle Howard and Auntie Marilyn, before we left today. We all met at the Blowhole and had a lovely time catching up.

The kids didn't know each other at all, but it was so nice to see them having such a good time together.

Harri was asking me how come he didn't know his cousins and I told him how when Konnie and I were little we were like him and his cousins like Chloe, Kelsea and Maddi etc. We used to see each other a lot and stay at each others houses and have Christmas together. Then we grew up and everyone moved to different places and had their own families, so we don't get to see each other as often anymore. He then said 'when I'm grown up I'll probably be too busy to see my cousins all the time'. I hope he isn't and although my cousins and family aren't all living close by anymore, it's still so lovely to catch up from time to time.

Of course Jalen is shorter than Josh even though he is older :)

It was so lovely to see them and a nice way to finish off our time at Bicheno. We look forward to catching up with them in June when we head up their way :)

Back to Reality

2012-01-09T23:01:00.000+11:00

Tomorrow we head back to reality - at least for a week or so before having another break away. We have had the best time at Bicheno and by the sounds of it, we have been so lucky with the weather as everyone is saying that it's not so nice at home. Today we spent hours on the beach. It was just a little windy, but nothing to really worry about. I really think Noah was looking after us :)

We went for another walk to Diamond Island and Kobe kept saying 'no it's Treasure Island - see me have my pirate shirt on!'.

I told the boys to stay where they were for this photo, so I could take a pic on my phone and Kobe said 'it's the whole family!'. I reminded him that Noah wasn't there, and he then said 'he's with Heavenly Father, remember!!!!' (like I may have forgotten! :)

It was still really warm at tea time so we headed to the park for some fish and chips and a play.

We then hung out at the blowhole yet again as it's just so much fun waiting for a big wave to come up, and the boys would hang out there all day if we let them.

We thought we'd head back later at dusk to see if we could spot some penguins coming in. It was such a beautiful night. It was still warm and there was a full moon which looked amazing on the water.

We were eaten by mozzies, but we got to see a penguin which was very cool. We decided one was enough and we headed back home (I didn't want to use my flash on the poor penguin so no pics of it).

We've had the loveliest time away and it's been nice to just get away from everything just for a little while. Aaron said today he wasn't looking forward to going home. I wish we could just be on holiday like this forever, but unfortunately life doesn't happen like that.

We've had lots of fun, but in the back of our minds is always thoughts about Noah. This morning I heard Kobe tell Jay 'Eden can't come home because Noah died' (Lisa and Gary get back this week from the USA and Kobe can't wait to see Eden). I think it was his way of saying that Eden was away when Noah passed away, and he is thinking she may not know about it. We don't think that Kobe thinks about it very much, but he obviously does. Tonight Harri said we should invite the Woodwards around for an 'early tea' so we can then take them to see Noah's grave afterwards because 'they haven't seen it yet'. Harri has thought a lot about Noah down here, and for some reason he has been thinking about him even more tonight.

Even though we have thought about him a lot while we have been here and missed him so much, it's also been nice to be able to have some fun days with the boys. We are so grateful to our friends who let us use their shack. We feel very blessed and know that Noah would be happy that although our hearts are sad, we are choosing to see the good in life and make the most of our holidays together.

Lazy Sunday

2012-01-08T21:30:00.002+11:00

This morning we woke up to overcast skies, which quickly turned into rain. We enjoyed a very lazy morning reading in bed till midday, while the boys watched movies on the laptop together.

By lunchtime the skies started to clear, so we headed out to the Blowhole as we knew it would be going off with the rough seas.

We sat and watched it for a while and someone got a little bit wet!

We then headed up to Whalers Lookout for a quick walk and to check out the town from a different angle.On the way up Kobe kept saying 'this is like yesterday!'.

The view from the top was beautiful.

We went back to the shack for a couple of hours and by 5 pm the weather had really turned out for the beautiful and it was 24 degrees. We thought we'd head down for a walk at the beach and the boys had fun throwing a ball around, while we watched all the surfers who were out making most of the big swells.

At 6.30 pm we were still sitting on the beach as it was so warm and I wasn't even caring that we hadn't had tea yet, or that Kobe was going to be getting to bed late. I wish our whole summer could be like this, but it's almost time to get back to reality unfortunately.

We need a holiday!

2012-01-07T22:15:00.000+11:00

Today the weather wasn't really beach weather, so we decided to drive to Freycinet National Park. Aaron had never been there before or Harri and Kobe, but Jay went there last year on a school excursion. As a family we used to have holidays at Coles Bay all the time, so I had lots of good memories of staying there, and fishing in the bay. I was telling the boys all the stories about how we would go out for an hour fishing on Uncle Tom's boat and would reel one flathead in after the other and come back with literally hundreds of them (or so it seemed at the time!).

For a few years I had been looking at brochures about the Cape Tourville Lookout - for two reasons. The main one was that it looked like it had a boardwalk where Noah's wheelchair could've gone and the other reason was of course the beautiful scenery. We were always on the look out for places we could go as a whole family, as it was always hard to go and do things together, especially outdoors. We never made it there with Noah (mainly because I wasn't really sure if would be suitable for his wheelchair and driving two and a half hours and finding out it wasn't suitable, wasn't going to be worth it) so today we headed there first.

On the way there Harri said to me 'it seems like we are forgetting that Noah is a part of our family, but he will always be a part of our family, won't he Mum!?'. I told him that he was right and he will always be a part of our family even though he isn't with us, and then looked in the rear vision mirror to see Harri crying. It breaks my heart to know how much he is missing him.

By the time we got to the car park at the lookout he had cheered up and was excited to go and have some fun. It was a very short walk and the scenery was absolutely breath taking. It would've been great for Noah's wheelchair.

We had talked about doing the 'walk' to Wineglass Bay for a few years as I always remembered how beautiful it was when we went there as kids. We couldn't work out how we could do it unless we left Noah and Kobe at home, but decided today to just attempt going as far as the lookout with Kobe. He was so excited to 'walk up the mountain' and after a lot of dawdling and chatting, we decided to just take turns giving him a piggy back, and letting him walk for a bit when he wanted to (if we let him walk at his pace the whole time we would still be on the way there!).

We finally made it to the lookout and were so glad we went. I would've loved to have gone down the other side to the bay, but maye we'll do that another time without Kobe.

The way back to the carpark was a lot faster and easier than the way up!

On the way back to Bicheno we had a very short stop at Friendly Beaches to check out the beautiful beach. Every time we go away we always say how lucky we are to live in Tassie. We forget what a beautiful place it is until we go away, and visit places we don't get to often. We definitely take it for granted.

We had a really fun day and are exhausted now. We really need a holiday! ;)

Perfect weather, almost perfect day

2012-01-06T21:31:00.002+11:00

Well Noah really listened to us, as today we had perfect weather. We woke up to blue skies and it stayed that way all day. We spent over four hours at Dennison Beach which is just a 5 minute drive north of Bicheno. There is just a little bush track from a car park to get to it.

It's a beautiful long white sandy beach and because it is is so big we pretty much had the beach to ourselves a lot of the time.

The boys (big and little :) had fun just digging, playing, jumping, jumping waves, swimming and walking.

I just enjoyed soaking up the sun all day.

Two women came along riding their bikes and taking their beautiful dogs for a run. They were huge and obviously loved the beach. They pretty much bowled me over as they ran past!

On the way back to the shack we noticed that the tide was out enough to be able to walk over to Diamond Island, so we decided to do it.

Once we were there we went exploring over the rocks, and even spotted some penguins!

It was such a perfect day and we loved being able to just be spontaneous and do whatever we wanted to do. We have never been able to just say 'let's walk to the island' etc before and just be able to all do it together, because we would have Noah with us and wheelchairs and beaches, water, and islands don't mix. It's strange and fun to be able to just do whatever we want now, but it's very bitter sweet as we would of course choose to have Noah with us over being spontaneous any day.

To make it the perfect day we would've loved to have Noah with us, but then we know we couldn't have done all the things we did today. It's hard to get your head around ...you are glad you can do things, sad that you can, wishing you couldn't, but grateful that you can at the same time. I just keep reminding myself that Noah would be glad we can do it, and happy that we are choosing to.

Our first holiday without him

2012-01-05T22:51:00.000+11:00

After Noah passed away we caught up with the doctor who was with us when he passed away. He is the head of the paediatric and neonatal ICU and obviously deals with a lot of heart break and talks to a lot of families who have lost a child.

He asked us if we had any holidays planned and we told him we did, and he said that he always suggests to families that they should take at least two holidays not long after their child passes away. He said that this is because the first holiday is usually spent really thinking about their child, missing them and not enjoying it too much, but the next holiday is usually a lot easier.

When our friends offered us the use of their shack at Bicheno we thought it would be a good chance to get away and spend some nice quiet time together. The boys were really excited, especially Harri which was nice. He's taken Noah passing away the hardest out of the boys, so it's so nice to see him smiling more and looking forward to things.

We headed down yesterday and had to stop along the way to look at the beautiful scenery.

After a few kilometres of windy roads Kobe started crying and said his tummy was sore. I knew straight away he was car sick and told Aaron to pass a bag back and luckily Jay was right next to him as he spewed in it. Poor thing felt bad for about five minutes or so, but then he perked up pretty quickly.

We were glad when we finally arrived at the shack. It's a really old shack with heaps of character, and you can see the beach from the front windows and yard. Kobe kept saying 'me love our new house!' and kept asking why we are staying here. He can't believe we are so lucky to be staying right across from the beach and that we can do fun things every single day.

We spent the afternoon at the beach...

before coming back to relax while tea cooked.

After tea we promised the boys a trip to the blowhole before bed. It started raining while we were there but it didn't matter as the boys were wanting to get wet by the water anyway. They loved it so much and Harri cried when we told them it was time to leave. We promised a visit there again today.

It started pouring when we got back to the shack and it's supposed to be a bit rainy while we are down here, but we are hoping the weather man is wrong and we may get some decent weather.

When we got home we pulled out the playing cards and taught the boys some games which I used to play a lot as a kid - spoons and gin rummy or 500. I was trying to help Kobe play spoons and he kept getting cranky with me, and eventually moved across to the other side of the circle, gave me the daggers and said 'me do it me-self!!'.

After a while we put him to bed and had a huge game of gin rummy. The boys loved it, especially when they won a round. Harri cracked us up with his celebration dance.

We are so glad to get away for a bit, and to have some quiet family time. While driving down I had a little cry as it made me think of our family holidays every summer, with the car loaded up and the music blaring as we drove down the coast. I missed seeing Noah in the rear vision mirror, but I know he would be glad we are doing something special with his brothers. Jay asked us if we thought Noah knew what we were up to, and I told him I had no doubt and was sure he was glad we were having some fun together. I'm sure he's here with us in spirit.

If I'm quiet on the blog over the next few days or so, don't panic. It's just that I'm enjoying the break (or am sick of the slow internet connection :)

Number 4

2012-01-04T19:56:00.001+11:00

We have been getting some lovely surprises in the mail lately, but this is not one we were looking forward to...our new Medicare card. We were given two cards once Kobe was born, and he was lucky enough to have his own card.

Now we are a one card family again, and I hate it. I hate that they have taken Noah right off the card. They told me to throw away my old one, but there is no way I'm going to.

Evening Swim

2012-01-03T21:45:00.000+11:00

Tonight Aaron and I were considering going to the gym, but instead made the very sensible choice to take the boys to the Gorge for a swim instead. I'm not sure what the temperature got to today, but I know it was in the low 30s and it was so nice to get in the water tonight.

It was great to run into Kellie and the kids there (Harri looks super excited about it hey!?;)

Kobe was so excited to be able to play with 'Harlot' (Charlotte).

Kell and I can't believe our two 'babies' are in grade 7 this year! I wish they were going to the same school as they get along great.

I'm starting to seeing the 'old' Harri back a lot more and it's making me smile. What a cheeky face.

I don't ever want this summer to end!

New Years Beach Day

2012-01-02T22:48:00.002+11:00

What a way to start the year! The weather is sooo hot at the moment and we are loving it. Today we headed up to Hawley Beach just like we did this time last year to make the most of the beautiful weather (luckily this year Jalen didn't have to get rescued by the rescue boat!). On the way I couldn't help put pull the car over to take some photos. I got back in the car with a very muddy and smelly foot.

I think it was worth it though :)

We met up with Eden and Steph, Mum, Nicki and Alex, Simone and Simon, Aunty Margaret and Uncle Chayne, and Ty at the beach. It was really nice to hang out, enjoy the sun and have some fun.

Kobe is such a water baby and stayed in the water most of the day. Five hours later I had to get him to come out of the water to get changed, so we could leave and he started crying and said 'but me have a great day at the beach Mum!'.

Hugh and Flynn loved putting their feet in the water.

Mum brought along heaps of fresh raspberries from home for everyone. I couldn't think of a better way to start the year than sitting on the beach with some fresh raspberries and cream.

Flynn cracked us up as he loved the sand and kept putting his hands in his mouth, but didn't care that he was eating sand.

The kids always love it when Granda is around to share her food, share her toys and play with them.

The boys loved hanging out with Ty today, especially Harri. Maybe it was something to do with Ty promising him $10 if he caught a tennis ball while they were in the water. Harri kept saying to him at the end of the day 'are you going to get my $110 now!?'.

We had a wonderful day and didn't want to leave. We get to spend a lot more time at the beach over the next few weeks and can't wait. Aaron and I were talking this morning about how hard it was to get Noah to the beach the last couple of years and how much more we had to think about if we were going, so it was strange today to just be able to jump in the car and go without worrying about different things. I'm sure he was looking down on us today, happy that we were out enjoying time with our family and friends.

NYE on the hardest year of my life

2011-12-31T23:49:00.001+11:00

Most New Years Eve we are in bed by midnight, or we just have a quiet night at home. Some years I will take Jay out to see the fireworks from a distance while Aaron stayed home with the other boys as it was too hard to take them out so late, especially Noah if the weather wasn't that nice.

Today the weather was so lovely and we had been thinking a lot about what the new year means to us, so thought it would be nice to go out with the boys to watch the early fireworks in town. We headed out about 8.30 pm and waited to meet up with Alison.

It makes me so happy to see my boys running around, playing happily together.

Harri and Kobe had actually never seen fireworks before, so they were really excited, especially after we showed them a video of some on YouTube.

The boys loved it (after Kobe was scared at first and not so sure about it).

In the end Kobe acted all tough and said 'me wasn't even scared at all!' :)

The boys had fun playing afterwards with their glow sticks.

There is so much I can say about 2011 but I just don't have the mental energy to even start. I have mixed feelings about the new year. I'm happy to know that the hardest year of my life so far is over and am looking forward to hopefully a better year next year, but sad to know that time continues to move on and now I'll have to say 'Noah passed away last year'.

It's also strange as I don't really wish that 2011 was any different. I'll forever miss Noah and wish I could just have him here to hold but I don't have any regrets about how things went. I know that we gave Noah the best 10 years that we could, and I know that we couldn't have done things any differently. He lived an amazing ten years and we were so blessed to have him with us for that long. He was so sick and tired in the end and it wouldn't be fair for me to wish for him to still be with us because it's not fair for anyone to live like that, but then I wish he was here because I miss him so much. Wishing that he was still here and saying it was an awful year makes me feel sad for Noah, as it was the best year ever for Noah as he's now free. I'm sure he knows how much we miss him, but I just hope he knows how I'm also happy for him and know that things are how they are meant to be, even though it's hard.

So hard.

I know that we are most likely going to continue to have another hard year, but I hope by the end of 2012 I will be able to look back and see how far we've come emotionally, spiritually and as a family. I'm glad we decided to do something fun to welcome in the new year, especially as it would've been easy to just sit at home and wish away 2011. I'm taking lots of deep breaths as we take on 2012.

Long Summer Days

2011-12-30T22:52:00.004+11:00

Oh how we are loving the warm summer days at the moment. Tassie weather isn't usually so warm at this time of year, so we are making the most of the beautiful sunny days, just in case the weather decides to change soon :)

I'm loving not getting home till late and knowing it's way past the boys bedtime, but not caring as we've had such a fun time together playing, enjoying the sunshine and just being together.

I'm so glad we have all summer to have lots of fun together. It's just what we need right now. Noah is never far from our minds while we are out, but I imagine him smiling down on us, happy that we are out together having fun.

Special Gifts

2011-12-29T22:17:00.000+11:00

I'm never really into Christmas or birthday presents (unlike Aaron who is the biggest kid in the family and thinks about what he wants for his birthday six months in advance!). To me I'd rather just go out somewhere special for my birthday or get a gift voucher to have a massage or something, rather than get presents. I'm the same at Christmas time and Aaron always gets stressed with me as he's always asking what I want and I say 'nothing' which makes it hard for him to buy me anything that I would get excited about.

Since Noah passed away though we have received so many beautiful and thoughtful gifts, that mean more to me than a whole life time of birthday and Christmas presents put together. I won't mention everyone by name, but please know how much we love each and every gift that we have been given. It means so much to us to know that so many people are thinking of us. I hope I haven't missed any out and if I have I apologise. My mind is still mush and probably will be for a while.

A beautiful Willow Tree figurine with a star on it, to let us know that our shining star will never be forgotten :)

A fantastic book that helped a friend through a hard time.

A beautiful wind chime with Noah's name and birth and death date on it, which is now hanging on his tree at his grave site.

Some very cute monkeys to remember our own cheeky monkey :)

Some beautiful angel teddies - one for each of the boys with their own name bracelets on them. Noah was given one of these when he was a lot younger, and the same friend sent the boys one each so they can hug it when they are missing Noah. Such a beautiful thought and the boys love them.

A beautiful necklace which I get SO many compliments about. It is from a Australian business who have a Facebook page called 'LoveNCherish'. I love it so much and wear it all the time with my angel wing necklace with Noah's name on it.

Some beautiful angel Christmas decorations which represent our family...

and some wooden dolls to represent us as well.

More beautiful books.

and the perfect photo frame for us to put a pic of our own cheeky money in.

A beautiful poem written by the very talented Angela. We love it so much.

A beautiful plant for home which is actually still alive!

A lovely surprise of a meal voucher to 'give us a night off cooking' which was such a lovely thought.

I was saying to a friend that the boys were driving me insane, so they gave us a movie ticket for each of us to get out and do something fun together.

The same friend lent me one of her 'man's hankies' one day when I needed one as there were a few tears, and I haven't given it back since and it often gets pulled out of my bag at times when I need it. I always let her know how handy her man hanky is, so they bought me a 12 pack :)

A gorgeous monkey for our Christmas tree.

The boys music teacher at school spotted this awesome giant monkey chocolate and straight away thought of Harri. Such a lovely thing to do for him.

A gift card to get a canvas made of a photo of Noah for our home.

Another great book which I'm reading at the moment.

and we absolutely love this wall sticker which Makayla organised for us. It's the saying that was on the back of Noah's funeral service program and is now on the wall above all of his special things in our bedroom.

It's so nice to know that Noah will never be forgotten and that people are always thinking of us. We know how blessed we are to have so many amazing friends.

Summertime play day

2011-12-28T22:07:00.000+11:00

Whenever our friend Justine and the kids are home visiting from Indonesia, we love catching up with them and usually get together with Simone and Simon at the same time, so the kids can all play while us girls have a good catch up. Last time we got together in July and it was a freezing day, but the kids had such a great time playing on the giant round hay bales and riding motor bikes together.

Today we headed out to see them as they are home for Christmas and it was the total opposite today - such a beautiful warm, sunny day. The kids were really excited to see each other. Last time Harri decided he didn't want an afternoon off school (crazy kid!) to see them, so he was really looking forward to seeing them this time as he saw all the fun the kids had last time and saw that he missed out.

The kids went over to visit 'Rusty' the pet bull who is very tame.

He loves being fed apples. Jalen thought it was better to do it like this.

But Gus showed us how he really likes it being done - by holding the apple in your mouth first! He came out with LOTS of cow slobber all over him.

Kobe was so excited to go out to see the kids. He kept saying all morning 'we're going to Tilly's house!' (even though it's really Tilly's Grandma and Grandpa's house:)

We had a lovely BBQ lunch sitting out in the sun.

Papparrazzi Simone was out with the camera, until her battery died two minutes later :)

The kids then spent the afternoon riding the bikes around together.

Harri was being a bit quiet and funny at first. He jumped on the back of the bike with Oliver but wasn't very happy about it. He has so much on his mind all the time and this morning before we left home he said 'does Gus and Tilly's Mum know that Noah died?' as he was worried that we would have to get there and tell them.

He later had a turn riding the bike on his own and thought it was the best thing ever. He ended up having the best day and didn't want to leave. It was actually really nice seeing him so happy as he's had a rough few months. Nothing we would say would make him come, so we did the old 'hop in the car and pretend to drive away trick' sure that he would come crying and running to the car yelling 'wait for me!!', but the little rat bag stood his ground and said he wasn't coming home and wanted to stay at 'Gus and Tilly's'! We ended up having to get him into the car with big black tears streaming down his face because he was so dirty, and was having so much fun and didn't want to leave.

These three have grown lots since they were together sitting on the hay bales in July.

Felix and Kobe were so cute holding each others hands everywhere they went.

It's so nice seeing the kids all get along so well and have such a great time, even though they only usually see each other once a year.

It was such a lovely day and we wish we could see them more often, but for now we love our play days once a year (or twice a year if we are lucky:)

Summer Holidays

2011-12-27T21:46:00.000+11:00

I always feel so lucky to know that we have such long summer holidays together. I think Aaron has the best job in the world - not only because he loves it, looks forward to going to work and can make a difference in kids lives, but also because we are lucky to have him home for all of school holidays. I don't know how many times we hear people complain about teachers and the amount of holidays they get per year, but as I always say - if it's such a great job, then why isn't everyone wanting to be a school teacher!? You really have to love the job (not just the holidays) to be a great teacher and if you don't love it, then all the holidays in the world aren't worth it.

Even though it's only the start of holidays it's already hot which is awesome. I'm trying not to get into a false sense of security as the weather in Tassie can change so quickly, but today we went out and enjoyed the sunshine at the Seaport. I'm loving Intagram on my iPhone. It saves me having to take my camera everwhere :)

Boys will be boys...

'Our' bridge (Kings Bridge)

A very big sorbet for a little boy. It melted quicker than he could get it in his mouth.

It's so different this summer knowing that we can do whatever we want, whenever we want to. Today it was just too easy to jump in the car and go out and do something fun with the boys. Usually we have to work around Noah and his health, his mood or whether or not the wheelchair can go places. This often meant we either had to do something without him and leave him with either Di or Alison (his carers), or one of us would stay home with him (usually Aaron) while the other went out with the boys, or we just wouldn't do what we were wanting to do.

I hate that Noah isn't here and am wishing that we were finding it hard to do certain things as it would mean he was still here, but then on the other hand I don't wish for him to be here the way he was the last 12 months or so. It wouldn't be fair for me to wish for him to be here like that.

I'm happy that he is now free from his body which was struggling so much the few months before he passed away, but I just miss him so much and wish I could just have him here again to kiss his chubby little cheeks or rub my fingers through his soft brown hair, or to see his big brown eyes light up when he felt well and happy.

It's hard to enjoy the summer and the time we have together, when we are just wishing Noah was still here.

Today the whole time I was thinking how nice it was to be out together enjoying the sun, but then would have thoughts about Noah and what it would've been like if he was with us. Even almost three months since he has passed away it just doesn't seem real. It seems like he is away somewhere, and we are having a break and he is going to come back. It's still hard to believe that he really isn't coming back.

I know that he would want us to have fun with the boys, so I'm going to just take a deep breath, be grateful for the time that we have together over summer, and try to enjoy it as much as we can, even though we miss him so much.

It's probably going to be easier said than done, but hopefully some days will be easier than others.

Our first Christmas without Noah

2011-12-25T22:18:00.001+11:00

Aaron and I were dreading our first Christmas Day without Noah, but it was so nice having the boys as excited as always as it made it a lot easier for us. Jalen woke up first about 5.10 am and we let him check out what Santa had brought him, but told him to not wake up Harri and Kobe till closer to 6 am as we knew we would have cranky, tired boys by the afternoon.

When Harri woke up he straight away realised what day it was and quickly ran out of bed and hugged us in excitement and literally jumped straight into Jay's arms and they both started hugging and kept jumping up and down! It was hilarious and a little bit cute. It was so nice to see them both so happy and excited.

They then ran in to wake up Kobe and as soon as he realised what day it was he was straight out of bed to see if Santa had come. It's amazing that Santa knew how much he loves Justin Bieber. He brought him a bear that plays the song 'Baby'. It's been going pretty much all day long!

We spent the morning opening presents and then while the boys played with their new things, Aaron and I snuck back into bed just for 15 minutes :)

We then went to visit Aaron's Dad and Step Mum Carrol and exchanged presents.

Our church doesn't usually have a service on Christmas Day, but being on a Sunday this year it did. The boys weren't keen on having Christmas on a Sunday, but I was actually looking forward to it a lot as it meant we would see more friends on Christmas Day and it would help us think about what the whole day is really about.

It was a lovely service with lots of Christmas carol singing and great talks by three of our good friends and leaders of our church. I loved our Stake President's (who is also our good friend) talk and wanted to write down some of the things he said. He also spoke at Noah's funeral and I always love his talks. He talked a lot about how gifts weren't important but it is our presence not presents that matters the most. He shared a lovely card that one of his students made for him, and talked about how out of all the gifts he got from his students, it meant the most to him as it was the thought behind it. I loved something he said along the lines of 'forget the stocking fillers, and concentrate on the heart fillers'.

Jalen whispered to me during church 'I actually like coming to church on Christmas! I think this is one of the best Christmas' we've ever had!' and I could tell he was even surprised himself :) During the week we talked about the real meaning of Christmas with the boys and asked them why we celebrate Christmas. Kobe yelled 'it's Jesus' party!!'.

After church we came home and had a very quick lunch with Mum and Dad and Nicki and Alex and the kids, who also came to church with us.

It was an easy lunch with cole meats, seafood, salads and desserts and it was delicious.

Before Nicki and Alex headed off to Hobart we exhanged presents with Mum and Dad. Kobe had asked for a 'Barbie and Ken' from Toy Story 3 and kept telling everyone that is what Grandma was giving him! He even asked Santa for it, so he was soooo excited to finally get it. He makes us laugh. He LOVES lots of girl things - his favourite colour is pink and he loves playing with dolls and doll houses, and it doesn't actually worry us at all.

Mum had bought some very awesome party poppers from Chickenfeed and let them go in the lounge room. The kids thought they were awesome!

During the week we all picked out a Christmas balloon each to take up to Noah's grave to release. We blew them up with helium after lunch and then took them up to the cemetery.

The weather started to turn bad just before we got there, so they blew away pretty quick.

There were so many people at the cemetery today. It was nice to go up there and I missed Noah like crazy, just like every other day, but the day was a lot easier than I thought it would be. We had a lovely surprise of finding a beautiful note to Noah at his grave from Simone and Simon and the kids. I'm glad that it was a quiet Christmas for us this year as it is what we needed.

After we got back the adults all had a little nanna nap while the boys played with their toys. We also had a lovely surprise phone call from Lisa all the way from the USA. Not long till they are home now and we can't wait! The weather started to heat back up again and Kobe asked if he could try out his new sprinkler that Santa had brought. The boys had heaps of fun running through it.

It was the nicest Christmas Day weather wise that we have had for years.

I'm glad that the day wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I think the lead up to it all week was harder than the actual day and I'm glad that we could enjoy it as much as possible, despite not having Noah here with us. Aaron and I were joking tonight that if Noah were with us he would've only just woken up and we would've quickly opened up his presents with him, and he then would've been back to sleep :)

Aaron went out tonight to drop something off somewhere, and while he was waiting he posted this as his status on Facebook. It was so lovely and just how I have been feeling too and it was the first time I had cried all day when I read it...

Dear Noah
Hey Monkey Man! How was your first Christmas in Heaven? I know, the best you ever had, free to run and enjoy yourself!! That makes Daddy happy, but I still have a very broken heart!! You see I miss you so so much. I have to apologize for being selfish, I should be happy that you are free from your body and are happy, but I hurt so much. Everyday I wish you were here, so please forgive me!! Jalen, Kobe & Harri had a fun day, but you were always in our hearts and thoughts. We all love you so much and are so proud of you!!

Lots & lots of love from
Your Daddy for eternity.

The week before Christmas

2011-12-24T20:30:00.001+11:00

Although it doesn't feel like Christmas this year as Noah isn't with us, the boys are really excited for it which is making it easier for us. We avoided Carols by Candelight this year, but still did some of our usual Christmas week traditions - the first one staying up very late one night and going to see the Christmas lights around town.

We didn't get home until 11.30 pm and all three boys were still wide awake! Kobe was so excited about it. We had Christmas carols playing in the car and he kept yelling 'Turn it up! Everybody sing!!' and would tell us off if we weren't all singing. When we would finish looking at a house he would then yell 'let's go and look at more Santa lights!'.

We've been feeling pretty down this week, but today we decided to do something for someone else and we felt really happy afterwards. It's nice to sometimes forget about your own worries and think about others, and I'm glad we could do something at this time of year especially.

Tonight we had our usual Christmas Eve picnic in the lounge room. Jay and Harri were excited for it as they remembered that we do it every year while watching a Christmas show, but Kobe couldn't remember it at all. When we told him what we were doing he was so excited and kept telling the boys 'we're having a special picnic in the lounge room!!'.

After our picnic we had a Christmas story before getting ready for Santa to come tonight. Harri and Kobe are at such a fun age where they are so excited about Santa coming. Harri had a hundred and one questions tonight... 'do the reindeers come inside?', 'does Rudolph always come with Santa?'. He decided that Santa needed a HUGE drink of milk and a chocolate, and Kobe got the carrot ready for Rudolph.

Now to wait for Santa to come and a big day ahead of us. It's nice that the boys are so excited as it's helping us look forward to it a little bit.

39

2011-12-23T21:45:00.000+11:00

It's always a crazy time of year getting ready for Christmas, but then we have Aaron's birthday thrown two days before. Harri told me last night that Aaron was the boss today as it was his birthday. I'm sure I could let him be boss for one day! ;) We did go to the supermarket today and I must've said something to Aaron that Harri didn't like as he said 'Mum! It's Dad's birthday! Don't be horrible to him on his birthday. He's the boss today remember!?' :)

For our birthdays we get to decide on whatever we want to do, so Aaron thought it would be fun to play crazy golf. Harri said we all had to let Aaron win because it his birthday, and I have to say that I didn't have to try to let him win as I played terribly (as usual).

We spent the afternoon in town with the rest of the crowds. The boys were so cute as they walked along, arms around each other working out what they were going to do together when they got home. I had to pull out my phone to take a photo. At the moment they are either fighting or being like this - nothing in between.

We spent the afternoon looking for places that sold men's jewelry and finally found a place in town that made stamped dog tags. We had been looking at them online for a while as I was given a couple of beautiful necklaces after Noah passed away and Aaron was very jealous. The best thing was that they did it within half an hour. He was so excited to now feel like he has a little bit of Noah on him.

I surprised him with a leather band with Noah's name on it for his birthday which he also loves.

One thing about Aaron is he's easy to please - he would choose a take away meal over a 5 star restaurant any day. He chose one of his favourite take away meals for lunch - Charcoal Chicken.

We had a nice day even though it wasn't the usual birthday excitement that he has every year.

Make a Wish Christmas Party

2011-12-22T22:28:00.000+11:00

Last week we got a phone call from Make a Wish inviting us to come to a Christmas Party. It was for past wish recipients and their families and was put on at a beautiful old homestead called 'Quamby Estate' at Hagley. They told us that the new owner of Quamby Estate Rob, approached Make a Wish saying that he wanted to put on a party for a charity, and Make a Wish were the lucky recipients.

The boys were so excited to go after their last day at school for the year, and it was the most beautiful warm night for it.

It went for two and half hours and had the most amazing things to do.

Kobe couldn't wait to get his face painted. He requested a 'pink reindeer' :)

We had many horse and carriage rides. There were also pony rides but the boys were crazy and didn't want to have a ride.

It made Aaron's night when Hawka came out!

There were two great jumping castles.

Even Hawka had a turn or five, and had all the kids cracking up as he would roll down the slide each time.

Even the big kids loved the slide!

Hawka was into the action all night which the kids loved.

They had a huge gourmet bbq with the yummiest meats, salads and jacket potatoes, and for dessert the BIGGEST frog in a pond you had ever seen, mudcake and pavlova.

The boys spent the majority of the night having turns riding in the MG cars. The owner of Quamby Estate drove one of the cars and was so fun as he would drive really fast around the golf course, dodging trees, going over bumps and racing his dog the whole way. He was the loveliest guy.

Santa even made an appearance and all of the kids were given a present each. The boys were very lucky and very spoilt.

They had live music playing the whole time and the guys were awesome - they played lots of different songs including music for the adults as well as the kids. Kobe just had to get up and dance when they played some Wiggles music.

The clowns and Hawka were cracking us up dancing really funny together.

They gave out balloons to everyone towards the end of the night.

One of the kids lost their balloon and Kobe straight away pointed at it and said 'it's going up to Noah!' which was so beautiful. One of the volunteers then gave me a few more balloons to send up to Noah :)

One of the clowns is actually Jay's drama teacher and he was so happy to see her and gave her a huge hug when we left.

We had the best night and it was nice to have such a fun night together after a really emotional day. It was the last day of school which meant it was the last day of Primary School for Jalen. I went to their end of year assembly and pretty much sobbed the whole way through assembly with Jay leaving, and watching Noah's class do their class dance one more time and announce that 'this dance is dedicated as always to our special friend Noah King'. Tears were flowing all day and Jay was really sad after school to be saying goodbye to awesome teachers, some friends who will be going to different schools and a fantastic school that he had loved. It was nice to go and have some fun after the emotional day we had and after a hard couple of months.

We only wish Noah could've been there with us too. I thanked the Make a Wish volunteers for inviting us and they said not to thank them but to thank the owner Rob for putting it on as he was the one who approaced them. I really wanted him to know how much it touched us and went up and told him what a great night the boys and all of us had and that it meant a lot to see them have such a great time and told him about Noah. He was so lovely and said he was sorry to hear it and was glad that he could see the kids with smiles on their faces. There really are some amazing people in the world.

It just don't feel like Christmas...

2011-12-21T14:09:00.000+11:00

A week and a half ago we took the boys to get the usual Santa photo taken. We were looking forward to seeing our beautiful Santa, who even came to Noah's funeral. I knew when we saw him that he didn't recognise us without Noah with us. It made me really sad, because it just showed us again how much our family isn't complete without Noah with us. I didn't say anything as it was hard enough just going there without Noah and it was really busy with lots of kids waiting to see him. He was lovely to the boys as usual, but as we watched them get their photo taken Aaron's eyes welled up with tears as he was just thinking it wasn't right without Noah in the photo, and we took off pretty quick afterwards.

This week Kobe and I were out grocery shopping and Santa was there again. Kobe wanted to go and say hi so we wen't over and I said to him 'you don't remember me do you?'. He looked and I said 'I'm Noah's Mum'.

He straight away realised and felt terrible that he didn't know. I told him that we came the week before with the boys too and it was really busy so we didn't get to let him know it was us, and he said he felt awful that he didn't realise. I told him it was okay as it's hard without seeing the wheelchair and Noah, as we're easy to recognise when we have the wheelchair with us. He said he felt bad as he had been waiting for us and even the photographer told us that he had mentioned Noah. It was nice to see him, but I hate this photo as it's just not the same without Noah in it too.

I have been thinking all week how hard this week is. Everyone is so excited because school is finishing and it's almost Christmas, and even the boys are excited which is nice, but Aaron and I are wishing it was anything but Christmas.

Aaron has been posting lots of old photos of Noah on his memorial page on Facebook so I thought I'd put them all together in a clip. Just as the song says 'it just don't feel like Christmas' without Noah with us this year.

Growing Up

2011-12-20T15:00:00.002+11:00

When did my baby grow up so fast!?! I think I blinked and missed it! Last night was Jay's Grade 6 leavers dinner which he was so excited about. It's hard to believe that his years at Primary School are almost over. One the way to his leavers dinner last night we did a super quick photo shoot (literally 5-10 minutes). I may be very biased but I think he looks so handsome.

He was cracking me up, as I told him where to stand and he would then pull out all these crazy poses for me.

We got to the leavers dinner and I let him out while I parked the car. When I got up to where all the kids and parents were he was standing with his 'friend' Danielle (need I say more!?). There were HEAPS of people taking photos of them, so I jumped in to get one too before they took off. It was very funny as everyone was telling them to get closer and for Jay to put his arm around her. Some woman then came up and made her put his arm on him.

They are actually really great mates which is lovely. It made me laugh how short he is compared to her. Jay told me after we got home last night that he was thinking 'hurry up and just take the photos everyone before Mum gets here, or she'll want to get one too!'. Cheeky boy! :)

All of the grade 6 kids at the school are so lovely and they all get along great.

They were all excited to have a meal and some dancing later in the night. They have really cool laminated placemats with photos of all the grade 6 kids on one side, and they had all signed the back of it.

They continued dancing for a little while after the parents came to pick them up. They were having the best time and the teachers all said the boys were up dancing more than the girls. The very cool Miss Wells was the DJ for the night. Aaron asked Jay what 'DJ K Wells' was like and he said 'awesome' which is true as she knows just what kind of music the kids love and teaches them lots of cool choreography for certain songs during the lunch hour at school.

It was fun watching them dance and have so much fun together. It's sad to think that things will be changing a lot next year with them all in high school. Some of them will be going to different schools, but most of them will be at the same school but in different classes.

It was very funny as the teachers told them that the last dance was going to be a waltz and got the boys lined up on one side and the girls on the other. The boys weren't very keen at all, and Jay was even backing away, but you could tell the girls were really looking forward to having a waltz with one of the boys! They started up the waltz music and then told them it was a joke and started playing the real last song. The boys were very relieved!

So instead of waltzing the boys did the conga line while the girls did some cool choreography together.

I'm sure in a few years the boys would love to be dancing one on one with the girls. For now it's just nice seeing them all have such a great time together.

Jay got a bit teary on the way to school this morning saying he is really going to miss Primary School. I reminded him that most of his friends will be going to the same school, but he said he'll miss his friends in grade 5, the teachers and the school which is understandable as he loves school and has had some awesome teachers there. I was exactly the same when I left Primary School - so sad to leave, but then loved High School even more. I hope he will too.

Our early Christmas

2011-12-19T09:37:00.000+11:00

Christmas Day every second year is a quieter one for us. It's the year when Becky and Jared and Eden and Steph spend it with their other families. This year they will be away for Christmas so we decided to have our big family Christmas yesterday instead while the 'whole' family was here (except for Chrish). It was a nice distraction to our usual going to the Carols By Candelight which we go to every year. We knew we wouldn't enjoy it at all this year, but it was nice to be family instead.

The kids were loving picking and eating Grandpa's raspberries.

It was a really nice afternoon just hanging out, playing, eating and talking.

My builder brothers checking out the leak from the skylight.

Obviously some stimulating conversation between the boys.

Because we are having Christmas lunch at our house this year, Mum decided not to put up a tree this year. The boys weren't impressed and Harri said 'you are crazy Grandma as you have no Christmas tree!'. Jalen decided that he was going to be the tree instead.

We exchanged gifts yesterday. We've decided that we want to tone down the present part and instead of everyone buying for everyone, each cousin just had one other cousin to buy for which was lovely.

Eamon had to give a gift to Kobe, and Becky made him an awesome reversible cape with Batman on one side and Superman on the other. He LOVED it. Lachie also got one and they zoomed around the house together all night.

Some crazy sister in laws who won't be named (not hard to work it out when I have two sister in laws on this side of the family! :) claim that Eden decided it would be fun to do a 'homemade' Christmas. We were 'encouraged' to make homemade Christmas presents for one other adult.

I had pulled out Steph's name and was stressing about what to make her, but during the week she had come into town with the kids and we had met at the park. I snapped some photos of them and framed them for her.

Jared loved his t-shirt which Steph made him. His nickname is 'Buffy' so it was perfect.

It was really nice to have an early Christmas with the family, and it was really relaxing as it wasn't the usual rushed feeling of Christmas as we are trying to fit so much in. We missed Noah so much, but it was nice to just be with family.

A little thing

2011-12-17T21:03:00.003+11:00

such as a simple thank you card, can mean such a lot.

I don't know the girl at all who won Noah's award at school, but I got to have a chat to her Mum and her yesterday after school, and she seemed so lovely. Meg was excited to win the award and was looking forward to using the gift voucher that she had won.

Meg won the 'Noah King Friendship Award' for 'consistently demonstrating outstanding personal and social skills. She is caring, compassionate and kind towards all - particularly supporting students who require some additional help and care'. Her Mum said she was so happy to hear her name called out. I know I would be so proud if my boys won such an award, as it's those kind of things that I hope they develop more than anything else in their lives.

Tissues for Mum

2011-12-16T16:11:00.001+11:00

Some days at the moment are okay or even good, and on those days there are no signs of tears all day. Other days there are lots and lots of tears and despite all I do to try to stop them, they just don't stop flowing. A couple of weeks ago I was having one of those very teary days. Next thing I know Kobe comes over to me with a tissue or two.

He asked me 'what's 'wong' Mummy?' and it was my usual answer 'I'm just missing Noah'. Kobe always then says 'me miss Noah too Mummy, we all miss Noah'. Yes we do Kobe.

A night with Grandma and Grandpa

2011-12-15T21:10:00.001+11:00

During the week Mum and Dad came into town and had to come back in again the next day. We thought it would be a good opportunity for Kobe to have his first ever sleepover at their house, and he was SO excited.

He had the best time with Grandma and Grandpa - collecting eggs with Grandpa and cooking with Grandma. Mum said he was so good. He slept well and was so happy, waking up in the morning and telling Mum it was a 'beautiful day' at least four times before breakfast (he says it to me ALL day long even if it's pouring with rain!).

He was so lucky to be have the full attention of Grandma and Grandpa. I'm not sure whether they've ever had only one grandchild sleepover on their own before. Supposedly when Mum told him it was time to come home he wasn't very happy at all and said 'but you said I could stay for a long time!'. He's already looking forward to the next sleepover.

I missed having my little mate with me all day and it was strange not having him chatting away to me, but I was kept busy with appointments and even got to drop in on Aaron while he was at work, as he has been off class and working on the school timetable next year, for a few days.

I also had lots of fun catching up with these crazy girls for lunch.

I think I'm looking forward to the next sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's house too!

A night to celebrate

2011-12-13T22:34:00.001+11:00

Tonight Mum and Dad and Alison joined us at the boys school's Celebration Evening. We knew it was going to be a big night with Jalen being in grade 6 and therefore being one of the school leavers this year. Because we were grade six parents and also were presenting a special award, we were lucky to have seats in the second row which Kobe was pretty excited about.

Jay was very busy all night being in lots of different items. The first one was playing in the band.

Harri loved singing with the early childhood choir.

Jay was also in the grade six gymnastics demonstration. He was the lucky light one who got to be on top of the pyramid.

The grade six leavers were all presented with a leavers certicate and a lovely pen and then other awards were given out to different students. Jalen (and we!) were shocked that he won the 'Global Citizens Award for Thinking Globally, Acting Locally'. The award was a special certificate and a $50 gift voucher which he is very excited about.

After Noah passed away Aaron and I both had thought that we wanted to present an award in Noah's name. I had thought about doing it at Punchbowl and Aaron had thought about doing it at his school as a Child Studies award since I took Noah every year to Child Studies to talk to them about disabilties and Noah's condition. When he mentioned it to me, I told him I had been thinking the same thing, so we decided to donate a prize to each school.

A lot of the time kids are recognised because of their academic or sporting achievements, so we really wanted to make Noah's award different. We wanted it to a child who was particularly kind and compassionate to others as there were many kids at the school who stood out to us as being extra kind to Noah. Tonight I presented the first ever 'Noah King Friendship Award' to a girl in grade three called Meg. I don't know her at all, but all the teachers have been telling me how beautiful she is and how deserving she is of it which is so nice to hear.

Noah's beautiful class dedicated their class dance to Noah and danced their hearts out. I kept imagining Noah up on stage doing his part (he was supposed to be a judge of the dance and hold a sign up that said 'boring' and then at the end someone was going to help him turn it around and it was going to then say 'awesome). I felt a bit teary a lot of the night but held it together and was able to just enjoy it and be glad that we could celebrate Jalen finishing Primary School, watch Harri sing and remember Noah in a special way. One more year and Kobe will be joining them at school. It's crazy to think that next year Jay will be in High School and Kobe won't be far off going to school himself.

Sharing Noah's balloons

2011-12-12T21:25:00.001+11:00

About a month ago Eden, Steph and the kids came and hung out with us one afternoon after church. We were especially touched by their beautiful thoughtful gift of a disposable helium tank and balloons which we have loved being able to use, so were excited that we could go up to Noah's grave with them and let some off together.

It was a crazy weather day - windy, raining one minute (actually pouring!) and then the sun out the next minute. We just dodged a huge downpour and were able to let them go while the sun was out.

Thank you Chloe, Lachie, Hugh and your very thoughtful Mum and Dad (although I'm pretty sure your Mum was the one who thought of it :) for such a lovely gift. We love being able to send balloons to Noah whenever we want, and were glad that you could come and do it with us.

Jalen's HeliAdventure

2011-12-11T20:46:00.001+11:00

At the Run for a Wish fun run Jalen was lucky enough to be given a special gift from Make a Wish. Being just two weeks after Noah passed away, one of the Make a Wish volunteers came up to Jay and said to him for being such a good big brother to Noah, they would like to give him a voucher for a helicopter flight for two people. It was one of the prizes that had been donated.

He was so excited and he finally got to do it on Saturday.

There were a few 'discussions' about who was going to be the second passenger with him, but I didn't really have a leg to stand on with my arguments about why I should be going ("I gave birth to you Jay!!':) as I got to go on a helicopter ride with him at Seaworld on Noah's Make a Wish trip. I was happy for Aaron to go with him though and it was nice to see them both so excited about it.

Harri kept saying he wanted to go on too, but I think even if he was allowed to he probably would've freaked out.

I was happy to have him and Kobe with me on solid ground.

The pilot was a lovely guy from Denmark and kept chatting away to Jay the whole time. He hovered over the landing pad a lot and spun around a couple of times before taking off.

They both loved it.

It was just a 15 minute ride up the Tamar River and around the city of Launceston.

Looking down on the Cataract Gorge.

Aaron's favourite sight :)

Before we knew it they were back.

They had the best time. Thank you so much to Make A Wish for thinking of us and giving Jay such a special gift.

Pretending to be a photographer

2011-12-10T21:34:00.001+11:00

How cool is this pic! Makayla took it while I was shooting my first wedding last Saturday. I was fighting the lady with the video camera for prime position! ;) I just did a post on my photography blog about shooting the wedding, and have put a lot of the wedding photos up over there if you want to check them out.

Dynamite

2011-12-09T18:00:00.000+11:00

How lucky we are to have the three boys who keep us laughing and smiling lots, even though we miss Noah so much. Yesterday Kobe and I were driving lots and we had a CD going in the car. Every time Dynamite came on he would belt it out with me and sounded so cute. Later on Aaron was in the car with us, so he videoed him on his phone.

I love it when my boys sing. I still love Harri's version of 'Poker Face' when he was a lot younger. How cute does Kobe sound :)

P.S I have since tightened the straps of his carseat :)

A Beautiful Heartbreak

2011-12-08T21:11:00.001+11:00

Last night while Aaron and I were out we suddenly realised that today was going to be the 8th which meant that it would be two months since Noah passed away. I don't actually dread the 8th of the month like I thought I would. I thought I would think about the date a lot, but I haven't really which is probably a good thing as it's hard enough every single day not having Noah here, let alone having to deal with a day of the month that could be a lot harder than others.

I did wake up this morning thinking it had been two months, but today wasn't any harder than any other day and for that I'm grateful. I do hate though that time is moving on, and it's getting further and further away from when we had Noah with us.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of months. When you say to someone 'my son died two days ago' or 'my son died two weeks ago' it has a lot more impact than when you say 'my son died two months ago' or even 'two years ago'. Even though it's two months rather than two days or two weeks, it's harder now than it was back then.

It makes me sad to think that in a little while I'll have to say that Noah passed away 6 months ago or 12 months ago. It makes me sad to think that people may not realise that the pain is still there as much as it was when he first passed away. My brother Daniel passed away 30 years ago, but I know the pain is still there for my Mum and Dad.

There's not a moment in the day when I'm not thinking of Noah. Whether it be getting ready in the morning to take the boys to school as I'm then thinking about how easy and fast it is to get ready when you don't have to worry about meds, nebs, getting Noah out of bed, getting him dressed, helping him empty his bowels and bladder and getting him into his wheelchair and into the van. When I'm driving with the boys in our new car I'm thinking that it's not right that only three boys are in the back. When I'm at the gym I'm expecting my phone to still ring with someone from school asking me something about Noah or telling me that he's not well and needs me to come and get him. When I'm picking up the boys from school I hate that I have to park on the street with all the other parents instead of our usual disabled parking spot, not because it's easier but just because it would mean that Noah was in the van with me. At night I'm thinking that it should be med, neb, physio and shower time. I'm also wishing I was getting annoyed because I have to keep getting up and down to suction him all night.

People often say that when someone passes away they hate that the world is going on as normal. That actually doesn't worry me at all as I know that things have to go on and that's what Noah would want, but I am constantly thinking about how I can be in a crowd of people and if people don't know me they would have no clue that I had a son who passed away two months ago.

I often think that if the checkout chick at the supermarket asked me the usual 'how are you today?' and I gave her the honest answer the poor thing wouldn't know what to say, which is why I don't do it.

There's a blog on my blogroll that I read regularly by a woman named Stephanie Nielson. She was seriously burnt in a plane accident a few years ago and recently shared this video clip from Hilary Weeks who was at the TOFW in Sydney that Mum and I went to in July this year. The clip shows her and her children and then later in the clip lots of people are holding up signs to say what their 'beautiful heartbreak' is.

I had been thinking about this clip a lot and how for some people it's really obvious what they are going through in their life, such as Stephanie who was burnt and the scars are all over her body. But most people do not show the physical scars of what they are going through. To others they may look fine or even happy, but everyone has either gone through or still are going through some sort of heartbreak in their life.

I actually found that even when Noah was still alive. People who didn't know me well would often be surprised once I told them that I had a severely disabled son with a life threatening condition. I had no sign on me saying it, except for my tired eyes and the wrinkles which quickly appeared in the last ten years :)

Sometimes now I just want to just yell to the crowd around me 'hang on a sec! Don't you know my son died!?' just to let people know. Not so that they will feel sorry for me, but just so they know how much I am missing him and because I wish they knew how special he was and still is. I don't have any physical scars on me to let people know that I'm going through my own 'beautiful heartbreak'. Some days I just want to hold up that sign that says 'my son died two months ago'.

Right now we have our bad days and our better days and sometimes even a 'good' day and I have no doubt that there is a purpose to it all and that it will be a 'beautiful heartbreak', but some days it's just heartbreak, nothing beautiful about it. I just want time to stop right now so we don't have to say that it's been three months, or our first Christmas without Noah.

Time Alone

2011-12-07T22:56:00.001+11:00

During the week I spent some time talking to a child pschologist about the best way to help Harri at the moment, as he's still having a very hard time since Noah passed away. After talking lots she said to me that she felt it was important for Aaron and I to spend more time together without the boys, to sort through our own emotions and grief as it can be hard to do when we are dealing with the boys at the same time.

I mentioned this in talking to Noah's old school teacher today, and straight away she said 'that's easy! I can babysit for you! What about next week!?'. I told her we were fine and had lots of offers of babysitters, but she said 'I know that, but I would love to and it's easy for me to help' so she started to work out a night to do it. She then said 'okay what about tonight!?'. I had texted Aaron to see if he was keen and ten minutes later it was all set up.

When I picked up the boys from school Jay jumped in the car and said 'Harri said Miss Ws is babysitting us tonight!?'. I asked him how he knew and she had told him at school and he was so excited about it. Jay had her as a teacher three years ago and still talks about how much he loved being in her class, so he thought it was cool that she was coming around. He said that his best friend heard she was coming to babysit and said 'oh wow - that's awkward' which made us laugh as most grade 6 boys wouldn't want to hang with their teacher from school, but he was really looking forward to it as they like a lot of the same things.

When she arrived she kept telling the boys to call her by her first name which Harri did, but Kobe kept pointing at her saying 'no you're Miss Ws!'. Aaron and I 'enjoyed' a few hours out and spent most of the time at the cemetery as the sun set. A lot of the trees in the children's section are now decorated with Christmas decorations.

We were pleasantly surprised to find a gorgeous new monkey soft toy up there and more decorations on his tree. Thank you to whoever put them up there. It meant a lot to us to know that someone had cared so much to do something so special.

We had actually never been up there on our own without the boys, so it was really nice to just sit and watch the sunset as we talked (and cried) together. I felt like I just wanted a blanket and pillow and could've layed there all night.

We recently found out that the little grave next to Noah's belongs to a three year old boy who passed away from heart failure after not being able to get a transplant in time. It's so sad to know that he could've been given a chance to have a healthier and longer life if he could've had a heart in time. Before Noah passed away we talked to the doctors about donating his organs, but there was nothing that could really be donated. It's such a hard thing to know that for someone to be given the chance at a healthier life, that someone else has to pass away, but it's also amazing to know they have given someone else that opportunity. I'm sad that the little boy Tom didn't have that chance.

We spent a long time walking around the cemetery and headed off just before it got dark. I guess it's not exactly anyone's idea of a hot date, but to us it was really nice to just get out on our own and be able to spend some quiet time sitting at Noah's grave without having to worry about what the boys were doing, or whether they had enough of sitting there.

We found Aaron's sister's plaque and rose bush before we left. We plan on taking the boys there next time they come up with us as they haven't seen it since they were little.

The boys had a lovely night at home and all behaved. I think the threat that Miss Ws would put them in time out at school the next day if they played up worked! ;)

Like a kid in a candy store

2011-12-06T20:25:00.001+11:00

Before Aaron went back to work full time after Noah passed away, the school invited him to come to school for a special assembly. He went back to school for a few things before he went back teaching, if he so as soon as they mentioned 'Hawthorn' he was there. The assembly was for the Beacon Charter signing day which encourages kids to stay in school or training until they find a job.

A guy from Hawthorn came to the assembly to speak and is the Hawthorn work placement officer. Basically it means he helps players find work or education on their one day off per week, which helps them get set up for their life after playing professional football. He brought along with him the Hawthorn premiership cup. Aaron was lucky enough to be able to carry it through the school and was like a kid in a candy store. This was the photo he sent me on my phone straight afterwards.

No wonder he loves teaching so much, when he has days like this one!

Oil Painting

2011-12-05T21:13:00.001+11:00

We have received so many beautiful gifts since Noah passed away and I still need to blog about all of them, but couldn't wait to share this one. Last week Simone sent me a message asking if we would be home that night as she wanted to drop in with Simon and the kids.

I knew she had something up her sleeve for a while, but wasn't sure what it was. I knew it had something to do with a picture, and that she was very excited about it, but couldn't work out what it was.

Last Monday they dropped in and she unveiled this beautiful oil painting. We were blown away with how beautiful it was, and how much it looked like Noah. She had given one of our favourite photos of Noah to someone she knows who is an artist called Susannah Curtis and we now have this beautiful oil painting on our wall. I have her contact details if anyone would like it - just send me an email.

This is the photo that it was done from. It's lovely that Harri's hand is a part of it, especially as he is missing him so much right now.

We can't stop looking at it on our wall and it looks even more beautiful as the light changes on it throughout the day. The photos here don't do it justice at all. It looks a lot more beautiful in real life.

Thank you Simone and Simon for such a beautiful gift. We treasure it so much and feel so blessed to have you as our friends (okay, well really cousin and cousin in law - is that even a term!?).

While Mum's away the boys will play

2011-12-04T20:25:00.001+11:00

Yesterday was a HUGE day with me doing my first wedding photo shoot. I was very nervous, and it was a really long day, but hopefully I got some shots that the couple will be happy with. I tried to get out of it numerous times, especially as the bride tricked me into doing it as she asked me if I would take her wedding photos, even before she was engaged! I thought I was safe and was like 'yeah sure!' and then a month later she was engaged! Despite trying to get out of it, she kept insisiting that she wanted me to take them for her, so I told her if was her problem if I ruined the wedding day with pics she didn't like! :)

A few weeks ago I had lots of fun hanging with my friend Chelsea who is a professional photographer, and got to see how she works at a wedding. It was so fun and I loved seeing how the whole day worked from start to finish. Despite having gone with Chels, it was still super scary, but it's over now and I can breath a sigh of relief - or can once I have finished editing the photos.

Makayla came along to help me out for a couple of hours during the ceremony, and a bit afterwards and took these photos of me in action. Thanks Mak.

I was gone all day and all night, so Aaron and the boys had lots of fun while I was gone. They pulled out the NBA Wii games and got very serious having a play off, even wearing their basketball tops to get into the spirit of things.

They had lots of fun and when I got home late last night, Jay came running out saying 'don't ever leave again - Dad beat me all day on the Wii!'.

It's nice to know that I can go out for so long and know that they had fun at home with Aaron. I did get a very teary phone call from Harri at bedtime saying he was missing me and wanted to give me a hug, which was hard but we had lots of hugs today to make up for it.

Jalen's turn

2011-12-02T22:39:00.001+11:00

Because we had taken Harri out on a special one on one date with us last month, we decided it was Jay's turn to have a night out on his own tonight. Di had offered to babysit earlier in the week, so Kobe and Harri spent the night with her while we took Jay out for tea. Harri desperately wanted to come too, but we reminded him of his special time with Mum and Dad and he was okay about us going out, as long as he was allowed to stay up until we got home, as he is too sad and scared to go to bed without saying goodnight to us (or even after he has said goodnight to us at the moment).

It was fun to go out just with Jay.

He is at that age where he thinks we are embarrassing, but hilarious at the same time. He has the same sense of humour as Aaron which is a worry, but Aaron had him cracking up all night and hiding in embarrassment at some of the things he was saying at the same time!

We decided to head into town to do some late night Christmas shopping and stopped for some photos along the way.

We didn't realise until we got into town, that it was the night for the lighting of the Christmas tree in the mall, so we hung around and watched that. It's actually a pretty impressive tree, especially for Launnie.

We finished off the night with his favourite dessert from Maccas.

It was lots of fun and he had us laughing all night.

Both Aaron and I had a bit of an emotional day today with a few different things happening and we were thinking about and missing Noah a lot today especially, but it was nice to get out and have some fun with Jay on his own. He definitely cheered us both up.

Noah's Christmas Tree

2011-12-01T18:07:00.000+11:00

After we decorated our own tree on Sunday, we took some ornaments up to Noah's grave to decorate his tree. It's so lovely that the children's section have the graves around the trees as it makes it so much nicer than just having the graves in long lines.

There is only one other grave on the same tree as Noah at the moment - a baby named Tom. Every time we are up there I wonder what happened to him and because it's also a fresh grave I think about the famly a lot and what they must be going through. Whenever we go up there he has fresh flowers or toys on his grave, and this time he already had his part of the tree decorated in Christmas decorations.

Noah's grave already had a couple of teddys on it which were placed there by other friends (still not sure who one is from), so we decided to bring a couple of them home during December and replaced them with some Christmas ones instead. We will take them back after Christmas is over.

His monkey is still sitting there, but Jalen decided he needed a Christmas wreath around his neck :)

As sad as it is to think that we have to decorate Noah's grave this year, it's nice to know that he has his own Christmas tree.

Looking but not feeling like Christmas

2011-11-30T19:00:00.000+11:00

The last few years we have put up our Christmas tree up on the Saturday of the Christmas parade. Because we were away in Hobart on Saturday, we decided to put it up on Sunday. The boys were excited to do it as always.

Kobe was very creative and made his own little Christmas tree.

Each of the boys get a new decoration every year which we write their name and the year on. Harri kept asking if he could put Noah's decorations up for him as he searched through the boxes for all of his and Noah's decorations.

The boys had lots of fun doing it, but Aaron and I weren't into it at all this year. I would've been happy to just have waited for a couple of weeks to put it up, which is NOT like me at all, as I'm always begging Aaron to let me put it up early.

Thank you Heidi for this beautiful decoration.

Although Noah never physically helped put up the tree, I just wanted things to be the same as other years, with him snoozing away on the couch while we all put the decorations up. I tried to hide the tears streaming down my face from the boys a few times, and just tried to make it as fun as possible for them. Even Aaron who said he wanted to put it up, said he felt like throwing it outside by the end of it. As much as we know where Noah is and will be with him again, it's still so hard as we try to do all the usual family things without him. I really wouldn't mind skipping Christmas all together this year.

I'm not sure Christmas will ever feel the same again, but I'm glad we know the true meaning of Christmas.

We received these beautiful angel decorations from a friend after Noah passed away.

I just wish we could skip all of December this year, but we are hoping that we can keep things as happy as possible for the boys sake. They are very excited for Christmas which is really nice.

My Landscaper

2011-11-29T19:30:00.000+11:00

Back in the September school holidays Aaron got busy building some raised garden beds, so we could plant some vegies. I'm so sick of the outside of our house not being finished (STILL waiting on the builder - a whole other story) and it's frustrating not being able to do much in the garden when we are waiting on footpaths, retaining walls and plumbing to be sorted out, but we decided that we could just build up some garden beds and get started on the vegies anyway.

Aaron and I are definitely not gardeners and Aaron is no builder, but he did an awesome job of knocking up three raised garden beds for me. It was great timing as Chrish came down for Jay's 12th birthday and was around to help out with the painful task of transferring all the new top soil into the beds, while he was staying with us.

It kept them busy for a couple of hours and in the end I was so excited to have three raised garden beds!

We planted out our favourite herbs and vegies.

We also got some herbs from Mum and Dad's and Aaron's parent's gardens.

The miracle is that they have all actually been growing very well! We now have heaps of herbs and vegies.

Time to come back Chrish so you can try some of them!

After Aaron's efforts in building the flower garden and also the vegie garden, I'm not allowed to call him a 'gardener' but he says I have to call him a landscaper. Very proud of my landscaper and loving my garden.

Balloons for Noah

2011-11-28T19:07:00.000+11:00

The day of Noah's school memorial service we were given a very thoughtful gift from Steph and Eden. Chloe came up to us after the service with a disposable helium tank and said 'here you go - now you can send Noah special balloons whenever you want'. We loved it so much. I didn't even know you could buy such a thing.

Since then we have taken helium balloons up to Noah's grave a couple of times. It's nice just being able to do it whenever we feel like it, without having to worry about getting them from a shop, especially if it's a Sunday afternoon. About a month ago we decided to walk into Noah's grave from the back way, where you park on the street and have to go through a bit of bush to get to the cemetery.

It was actually a nice little walk, but we had no clue where we were going, but finally found the right track to get to his grave.

The boys love being able to release their own balloons whenever they want to. Thanks Eden and Steph for such a beautiful present.

It's still surreal to sit at Noah's grave and think about what has happened over the last 7 weeks. It still doesn't seem real, and I wonder if it ever will.

Naughty or Nice

2011-11-27T19:38:00.000+11:00

Yesterday a Facebook friend shared a link to a very cool website where Santa sends a personalised video message. This morning each of the boys watched their very special message from Santa, all the way from North Pole. It's amazing that Santa knows so much about each of them including how old they are now, what they do during the day, and even had photos of special things they had done throughout the year in his special book. He also knew what they each wanted for Christmas and got the elves to check on their special machine whether or not they had been naughty or nice this year.

Jalen watched his first and wasn't very happy that he was on the naughty list!

Harri went second but was very nervous after seeing Jay get on the naughty list. He thought he was going to end up there too, especially as he had a 'naughty' day yesterday. I LOVE his reaction at the end when he found out he was on the 'nice' list.

Kobe went last and was very excited that Santa knew that he wanted a Barbie (again!) but kept saying 'Barbie and Ken' as that is what he wants from the Toy Story 3 movie. I crack up when I hear in Kobe's video Harri say 'I can't believe I was on the good list!'. Kobe also cracks me up so much when he finds out he was on the good list.

Now they know for sure that Santa is watching I think there will be some boys trying to behave themselves a bit more up until Christmas :)

Going Back

2011-11-26T22:06:00.001+11:00

On the day that Noah passed away, the doctor who is in charge of the NPICU was with us. He was in charge of Noah's care all week and was so wonderful in keeping us informed with what was happening with his care, how things were looking each day and was so lovely to us. After Noah passed away he told us that often it is good to get together again after some time has passed, to talk things over, and he said that he was more than happy to catch up with us if we would like to.

We joked with him and the nurses while we were in hospital with Noah that we were going to hate Hobart from now on, and will probably never feel the same about going to Hobart again, but we both felt like we really wanted to see him.

A couple of weeks ago I spoke to him on the phone and he was so lovely asking how we all were, including the boys and we talked for a while about everything that had happened during Noah's week in hospital, his passing and how we were coping. We then set up the appointment to meet and yesterday we drove down to Hobart to see him. Aaron was at first quite anxious about it, but we both felt really happy about going down to see him, and it wasn't as hard as we imagined it would've been.   We talked to the boys about it during the week and said how we thought it would be good to go and talk 'Doctor Peter' again and thank him for looking after Noah so well, and Harri straight away started to cry and said he didn't want to go to the hospital as it would make him think about Noah and make him sadder. We said that we felt sad about going there too, but thought it was important to all go as a family and thank the doctors and nurses, and said that they would probably talk to us about how sad we were all feeling and would want to help us feel happier.   He then asked if we had to go into 'Noah's room' where he passed away and we said we didn't have to if he didn't want to, and he was okay with that.

Peter met us away from the ICU and straight away said hi to the boys and mentioned them each by name which was so lovely for them. We were suprised that he could remember their names. He took us into a room to talk and had everything set up including jelly beans on the table for the boys. That won Harri over straight away :) Becky just happened to be in Hobart which was great, as she spent some time with Kobe so we could talk properly.

Peter said that it's good to get together to talk over the events, ask any questions and just talk about how things have been going. He said that Noah's time in ICU started off with him getting the call to say Noah was on the way and he knew he was very sick, but realised that he hadn't been in the ICU before and had severe disabilities, so straight away he said he could tell that he had been well cared for and he was very impressed by that. After a little while another doctor who also spent a lot of time with Noah and us during the week also came in into the meeting.   We were so happy to see her as well and she agreed and said that they were all very impressed with Noah's care which was really nice to hear.

We talked about how it became more obvious as the week went on that Noah wasn't strong enough to fight the pneumonia and his body started to shut down and despite them doing everything they could by giving him medications to get rid of the infection and support his heart and kidneys, there was nothing more they could do as both his kidneys and heart were shutting down. He said it was important for us to know that they had met after Noah passed away and had talked about everything and they wanted to confirm to us that they did all they could for Noah. We said that we had no doubt about that at all, and although it's hard living without Noah, it makes it a lot easier to know that Noah was given every chance possible to recover.

We also talked a lot about Noah's funeral and they said they had heard from a number of people that it was a beautiful service. They also asked us how life was now without Noah and there were a few tears from me, but mostly it was just a lovely hour or so talking things over and to let them know how much we appreciated all that they did for us and Noah. Peter was so lovely with Harri and Jay and talked to them about how sad they must be now. Harri told me to tell them that he was the saddest and was crying all the time. While we were talking about how hard it was for Harri he just covered his face and listened. Kathryn (the other doctor who was with us) said to Harri that he will probably be sad for a while, but one morning he will wake up and realise that he went to bed the night before without crying and that after a while it will start to get easier and that he will stop feeling so sad all the time.

Peter said he thought it was important for us to take a family holiday together and the boys told him that we had already planned a special holiday next year. He was happy about that and then said that he encourages families to take two holidays as the first holiday is often hard as you are always thinking about your child and what it would've been like if they were still alive and on holiday with you and it can often be a sad holiday to be on, but then the second holiday can be easier and more fun for everyone.

He also asked me what my plans were and encouraged me to do something for myself. I told him I was keen on doing some advocacy for families who have children with disabilities because we struggled so much to care for Noah in the end because we didn't have the support we needed and he said he thought that would be a good thing to do, but then also encouraged me to think about what I could also do for myself.

It was so nice to be able to show them a video clip of Noah from my phone of him when he was younger and a lot more interactive and was laughing and smiling at Jalen. He loved seeing it and said how nice it was to see him well and happy. At the end of meeting with him he said he doesn't usually meet twice with families, but would like to meet with us again if we would like to go back down to Hobart to catch up with him. I told him he must be desperate for some entertainment to see us again!

Harri made us laugh at the end as he told Peter that in America they play basketball 'called the NBA and Jalen goes for the LA Lakers and there is a guy called Kobe Bryant who plays for them' (no idea how that even came up) and then Peter told Harri he knew about that as he had taken his boys to LA for a holiday and they had seen the Lakers play live a couple of times. Harri was very impressed!

The doctor Kathryn then took us around to the ICU (after they asked us if we would like to go around there) to see if any nurses that cared for Noah were on. The nurses that we with us when Noah passed away weren't on shift, but there were three nurses on who had cared for him throughout the week. One of them was on the morning that Noah passed away (he passed away around 7.15 pm) and we were in tears all day, but she was making us laugh by telling us she was going to make some money that day as she was going to charge 20 cents a tissue.   Every time we would grab another tissue we would joke about how much we owed her. It was nice to have a little bit of a laugh that day despite what was going on. When Kathryn went in to see who was on, she obviously heard we were there and came out with a huge grin on her face and a box of tissues!   It made us laugh and Aaron pulled out the credit card to pay for them :)

We spent some time in the ICU and saw that a premature baby was in Noah's spot. It was actually really nice to be back in there, and Harri wasn't worried about being in there at all. All the staff were happy to see us including the cleaner who had helped us with Kobe the day that Noah passed away by keeping him occupied. The nurses showed us our card that I sent them, as they had it sitting up on the nurses station window. They said that all of them were in tears when they were reading it, and they loved it so much, especially seeing all the family photos on the front.

Our visit was really lovely and it was so nice to be back there and to thank them all for everything and to let them know how we were doing. We were sad that the nurses who were with us when Noah passed away weren't on, so this morning we went back in, hoping that they may be on. We were so happy to see one of them. I actually had thought a lot about how hard it must be for nurses to have to deal with things like that, and how hard they must wonder how the family is coping after they leave when a child passes away. I felt sad about saying goodbye to the staff again, because it feels like you are closing another door, but I know we will keep in touch with them. As Aaron said this afternoon on the way home - even though these people were only in our lives for one week out of Noah's ten years, they will forever be a HUGE part of Noah's life because of the week that it was and we will never, ever forget them.

We stayed in Hobart last night and it was so lovely to get to our accommodation after being at the hospital (and me driving with tears streaming down my face all the way to the accommodation as I just felt really sad about having to leave the hospital again) to a special surprise from Simone (thanks Collette for helping out with the special surprise too). The boys were very excited about our special basket of treats. Thanks Simone for thinking of us and realising how hard it was going to be and bringing a smile to our faces.

This morning after catching up with one of the nurses at the hospital, we headed into town to do a bit of shopping. We were there in time to catch the cat and fiddle arcade clock going off.

Last time Kobe freaked out about it, but this time he was very excited to see the cow jumping over the moon.

We then headed to Salamanca Market. The boys were excited to go as we had planned on going the day that Noah passed away and of course never made it.

First stop was to get some snow cones.

It was a great idea until I got a brain freeze!

We had a lovely morning looking around and just watching everything going on around the place.

The boys were so excited to stop and watch this busker doing all sorts of crazy things.

They thought he was hilarious, and were especially impressed when he swallowed a sword.

After grabbing some lunch (and feeding the seagulls) we headed off to do some more shopping.

Santa was at the shopping centre so we lined up to talk to him. He was such a lovely Santa (almost as nice as 'our' Santa) and cracked us up as he looks at Harri and says 'now what's your name? Jack!?'. Harri shook his head and then Santa said 'Harry?' just taking a stab in the dark. Harri was so excited and yelled 'yes!!' and was so happy that Santa 'knew' his name (great guess!). Santa asked the boys what they wanted and was so lovely to them and then Harri said 'how did he know my name!!?'. I reminded him that he is Santa and he knows everything and Harri said 'but he knew my name! Booyeh!'. Funny boy.

We then headed to Collette and Hayden's engagment party. It worked in well that we could go to the party and also catch up with the doctors and nurses at the hospital on the same weekend. It was really nice to be able to celebrate with them. Last year when Noah was in hospital a lot we loved getting visits from Hayden every day as he was working in the hospital, and he kept coming back despite my stirring him to hurry up and get married. We are so happy that it's finally happening :)

The trip home from Hobart this time was so different to the last time. Both Aaron and I had tears streaming down our face the whole drive back from Hobart last time as we had to leave Noah's body there and drive away. We talked on the way home today about how glad we were to go down to talk to the doctors and nurses, and to have it confirmed again that we knew it was Noah's time. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it's nice to not have any doubts or questions in our mind about what we could've done differently.

It's hard to believe that it's now 7 weeks since Noah passed away. We said to Peter that it seems like so long ago that we were in hospital with him, and so much has happened since then, but then again it seems like it was just yesterday too.

Heaven's Bank Note

2011-11-25T20:30:00.000+11:00

A few weeks ago we were visiting Noah's grave and found this note in the bushes. Who would've thought that the King or President of Heaven is Japanese looking!? ;) The boys were very excited for a minute and they thought we were finally rich. If only Noah really could send down money from Heaven for us.

Smiling Boys

2011-11-24T18:30:00.000+11:00

I love seeing the boys with smiles on their faces and hearing them squeeling like girls :) Yesterday I was washing 'Nan's van' and it was such a beautiful warm day, so when Kobe came around the corner I gave him a 'little' spray with the hose.

That of course turned into something bigger as each of the boys were called out of the house to come and 'help me do something'.

Kobe thought he was so good getting Aaron's feet wet!

I love how the simplest things can make the boys smile.

16 years

2011-11-23T17:30:00.000+11:00

Today Aaron and I have been married for 16 years, and have been together for over 17 years.

It's crazy to think that it's been that long already.

And crazy to think of all the things we have been through together - the good and the 'bad'.

I wouldn't have wished to have gone through it with anyone else .

We've been so blessed to have four beautiful boys together, and wouldn't change it for anything.

I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 16 years brings.

Life is anything but perfect, but I'm glad that I can share it with my best friend (thanks Jay for taking the photos :)

Where Noah Is

2011-11-22T16:02:00.001+11:00

At the moment I like being home a lot, because it's where I feel the closest to Noah as there are lots of memories of him here. I feel like home is where he is the most, but I actually also like going up to his grave more than I thought I would. I don't feel like it's a place to go to be with him, but it's actually a really beautiful place and knowing his body is here makes me want to just sit up there and think.

Kobe and I usually go up there once a week together while the boys and Aaron are at school, but we also try to go up there once a week as a family as well. I came across these 'old' photos of us visiting Noah's grave on the computer, from just the week or two after the funeral. This one was taken before we took Chrish to the airport to go back to Sydney.

I'm so grateful that the cemetery is so close to home. It's nice to have a choice to go and visit whenever we want to, and I actually find I'm driving past the cemetery at least every couple of days and am thinking about him constantly as I drive past. It's nice to go up at different times of the day, especially as the sun is starting to set.

Kobe always says it how it is 'Noah is in the hole' and 'Daddy and Chrish put Noah in the hole' (they were pall bearers at the grave as well as my brothers Jared and Eden, but Kobe can just remember that it was Aaron and Chrish that 'put him in the hole' as he saw a photo of it and it reminded him). I tell him that Noah's body is in the hole and then ask him where else he is, and then he says 'with Heavenly Father'. It's hard to imagine what he must think about it all.

I'm just so glad that we know we will be a family forever. Without that I hate to imagine how much harder this would be right now.